I shouldn’t worry about how these brothers treat their women,
But I do, because I too, have been affected by the sins of a fuck nigga,
The fuck nigga moves in quietly, crafty like a killer, 
Aiming for her heart, then she bleeds when he pulls the trigger,
Its a fact that every time a fuck nigga survives, 
The chances for a good dude to find love slowly but surely dies,
Because you changed her, she’s gone and no one heard her cries,
Now she refuses to let a good guy in no matter how hard he tries,
So fuck nigga understand the ramifications of your actions,
You’ve sent a good girl to a place where she cannot come back from, 
To a place where she can’t love, so she ignores good chemistry,
To a place where there is no trust and every nigga is her enemy, 
To a place of cynicism where she lacks the confidence, 
In the sincerity of a brother who delivers her a compliment. 
She thinks that it is a ploy to get between her legs, 
So she turns their words against them and says they’re playing with her head, 
Even when he treats her well she says, “All guys are good in the beginning”,
She’s put up this wall to her heart and he continues digging,
But he feel there’s no chance of winning; he just don’t know what to do, 
But he realized she’s not the issue, the problem lies with you,
I shouldn’t worry about how these brothers treat their women,
But I do, because I too, have been affected by the sins of a fuck nigga, 
A fuck nigga by my definition is not the dude who sleeps around,
It’s the type who tells a girl he loves her just so he can pound,
That shit drives me crazy; I swear that I could to lose it, 
Next time someone says “I love you” try telling them to prove it,
‘Cause now he’s looking stupid, he’s giving her his all, 
Doing all the right things, but he’s still behind this wall, 
Not a wall of bricks, or steel, or wood, these things can be battered, 
I’m speaking of a wall of pain and frustration, and a heart that has been shattered,
And the pieces can’t be gathered, she is lost to the world, 
She’ll never give her all again; he’s settling for half the girl, 
I shouldn’t worry about how these brothers treat their women,
But I do, because I too, have been affected by the sins of a fuck nigga. 
The realization I’ve come to terms with is alarming yet insightful, 
There is not a “fuck nigga gene” I believe that it is a cycle, 
A fuck nigga hurts a good girl, the good girl shuts down her feelings,
A good dude comes along, but she’s too far gone for healing, 
So the good dude in all his pain, placed in a bad position, 
Gives up being good, and HE becomes a fuck nigga, 
So it’s an endless cycle, don’t let it happen to you, 
Let a good guy in, or he might become a fuck nigga soon…

http://vimeo.com/16767406

Let me take a break right now from my 30 day challenge cause this is just as good


This video of my cousin’s wedding brought a tear to my eye. Why? because it just reminds me how much i really miss my family. Its so lonely when you don’t really have any family here.. family as in first cousins instead of distant relatives who you rarely see. It just reminds me how much i’m missing out on their lives. I miss the days when i was so little and innocent and they were all around me so conveniently. IF i have a debut when i’m 21, i’d definitely have it in the Philippines. or if i don’t have a debut, i’d just spend my money being there and spending it with them, doing things. I’d rather spend as much time as i can with my family rather than the friends in my life who just come and go. Its amazing how much support they can give me from halfway around the world, and from Chicago. I love them. I’m quite lonely without them.(in a family sense, you know you need family) I love them & care for them SO much. I just wish all of us can live here. Life is beautiful yet so unfair.

I miss the goofy way we all make each other smile and laugh. The things we do when we hang out. The way we think and I miss our talks and weekly outings! I miss family time every Sunday. The way we always find a way to just ignore the bad times, and let the good times roll. There was never any drama. We are naturally cheerful, happy people. I miss everything about us.

And the last song wasn’t even helping. It just made me cry even more as i spotted my family members one by one.

I don’t like admitting i cried, but i did :x
i’m sensitive when it comes to my family. They're my soft spot

Need 4 Speed

today i drove out of the driveway and into St. Lorenzo, back to the residential area around Creekside.
Then went back to St. Lorenzo. talked to Mama Mary. It was refreshing and so peaceful. i'd definitely wake up early in the morning and take a drive there just for that. definitely better than mass)  Anyway; on i went to go to Albertsons and then back home (:

fell asleep at the beach in Hawaii, woke up in my uncomfortable SoCal room

My weight has been dropping rapidly.
I need to go to the doctor
My mom needs to hurry up on that Health Insurance. -__- its been going on and off for 2 years now.
I need to get new glasses too.

theres so many things wrong with me medically, i’m worried..

On a brighter note;

Reunion with the homie Darren! :D  (upload pictures later)

and Briahn sang me his original songs on video cam (: I've promised Briahn that i would listen to his songs today since i was about to sleep last night when he got home. thanks for letting me sleep instead (:
Although these songs were dedicated to other girls, and just people in general, it was nice. Nice that someone enjoys singing to me! haha *blushes & giggles quietly*
We’re planning a music video for spring break! D: anyone care to be in it? (:

LOL this boy walked me through the blackout til’ i fell asleep. thanks again Saging.  Hawaii was nice.

I have too many guy friends.. i mean its chill and all its just, i wish my girl friends didn't move or too busy to have a small talk or two.

Grocery

I went to the grocery today dressed in full baggy clothes, boy clothes to be exact. NOTHING was matching.
Wavy hair fresh out of the shower, no make-up what soever

I was just wondering around aimlessly and then this guy just comes up to me and compliments me.
Then, he asks me for my name and number. now of course, i didn't give anything away.
But it was just very flattering how someone can find me attractive enough in my rags without even TRYING to look good or impress anyone. Attractive enough to try and holla at yo girl at first sight

Does it bug you when someone is texting someone while they're hanging out with you?

I honestly get why certain people do.
Its rude in a sense.  Especially when a boyfriend/girlfriend keeps texting another girl/boy while their hanging out with you/talking to you.  It totally defeats the purpose of why you came out to hang out with someone in the first place.  If you wanted to talk/text to that person, why did you come out and hang out with ME?  might as well stay home or wherever by yourself and call/text them.   I didn't want you to come hang out with me so you can divert your attention to your phone.

"A busy schedule isn't an excuse to let a relationship fail. When a relationship is special, you find ways to be there."

Boogie Boarding 101

w/ Briahn Sampayan & Emil C. @ Huntington County beach

• an hour to get there and back.  
• First time for all of us to see a blimp land
• high hopes for Janell and Jasmine to join us on Sunday ):   they have to attend church service.
• Headbanging & Airdrums ftw <3 
• Great jams in the car enhanced w/ basee<33
•  I can be the rapper, Briahn can be the singer and Emil can be the beat boxer.
• Walked around the shore,took some pics while they were out in the ocean.
• Congrats to Briahn, finally got me to get my whole body in the water.. i was only willing to because i wanted to boogie board lol. i was freezing my butt off without a wet suit.  They were dragging me around on the board lmao   Definitely something i want to do in Hawaii & maybe P.I... i wanna buy a wet suit & board and give the waves a ride. I think it might be the main reason why i'll get in the beach now.
• Briahn knows how to ask if i'm bored.. "are you talking to yourself in a British accent yet?" me:"not at all. i'm NOT bored this evening!!"
• PHOTOSHOOT whilst chillin on lifeguard stand.
• Local surfers are ruuuuuudee
• I need a laugh that is mine. my laughs are mostly silent -_- i think its cause i never laughed so much in my life before. lol
• Listened to their friend's album.. he wants to make music for movies so it was that type of music.. it made me feel like i was in a movie myself.  It was cute
• Briahn's the perfect person to play Mickey Mouse!! he can even make the voice.  Never seizes to make me laugh when he uses it.
• Emil's stories are funny... and just himself in general.
• Had fun in the car ride screaming out random things in traffic lmao

this will all repeat early Sunday morning (:

but we will have less time.

Although i may not be the best at dancing, i enjoy the ride of working to be just that.  I love dancing with all my heart whether it be hip hop, salsa, etc. I LOVE IT.  Wont you dance with me?  ( i seriously would enjoy someone just hanging out with me and take a stab at dancing)

I'm making one for Sex Therapy whenever i'm bored.

hehe "my body's too dirty for my clean conscience"


I'm no good at singing either, but i enjoy singing to keep the good vibes rolling.  Makes me happy.  LETS JAM.. seriously.  lol as long as you can excuse my bad voice.

I absolutely LOVE meeting new people!! Got some friends? intro. me to them!  We could ALL be friends :D:D
(another reason why i want to drive.. get to hang w/ more people!)

Tumbleweeds and twisted tales, these are the badlands where the angels fell

• I’m a little dysfunctional, you’re the problem. Please don’t awaken me, and I’m that way cause back in the day, most have forsaken me
•  I loathe causing unnecessary trouble so I play along to make it easier one everyone else.. 
• 
  
• "you should never be asked to be helped...you should have offered"  - Marlon i LIKE IT
• 
  
• (still needa add more i'm just sleepy from my regular looong wednesdays)

Question/dilemma of the day: Maroon or Light brown hair on me?

Birthday bucket list! or just bucket list for 2011

• Shooting range
• San Diego & San Diego Zoo 
• a day at Disneyland&DisneyCali 
• Getty Museum & Aquarium of the Pacific 
• Find the Japanese garden (: 
• Catalina Island!
• Dana Point.. wherever that is, i heard it was reeeal chill & great for hiking
• Be asked to go on a romantic date in a fancy restaurant where we dress up. i've never been on one .. I want a date where the guy picks me up and the date would have all the perks of a perfect first date with a gentleman. ( i fantasize a lot. i need to stop it )
• Beach when its not too sunny.. just right. Also get a Henna tattoo while i'm at it
• W.O.D.
• Hiking and see a waterfall
• Watch the sunrise and the sun set with someone
• Cheesecake Factory
• Water Grill again!
• more kayaking & ice skating
• shopping spree would be nice
• Clubbing is my last resort.. or not really that high up in my priorities for my birthday (: 

(list will be updated)

A few "just sayings" or maybe i'm just not saying, i'm nudging.. I hate nudging but here it goes.

Nudging cause some of this is just common sense our minds foolishly forget

• I love songs that mean something, maybe thats a reason why i like underground/indie songs.  I despise overplayed songs
• Consistency is key
• Men LOVE flirts but women hate women who flirt with their man.. especially when they do after 12am or when he texts her when he is talking to his girl. When he gives her more attention than his girl.  What can possibly be more important than sleep at 12 besides hw and emergencies?  either way, no one should be distracting you from hw.(also vice versa)
• I hate those type of situations where someone secretly likes you, but your too nice to even realize it.  So you just go along with whatever the fuh you guys got going.. until he/she blurts out words "i like you".Or you two secretly like each other, and neither of you know it. but you're too afraid to admit because you have this subconscious pride and fear.    Don't be such a dumbass.. if you have a gut feeling, then its probably true.  Weather they admit it or not. people are shy when it comes to courting thats why all the butterflies are around.

• I have a hungry mind that's itching to go out, see the world and learn new things.  I'm just too cooped up here.. HMU?
• I can't just sit still sometimes, i get bored easily, and i don't find it productive or amusing just wasting my time sitting, laying around all day.. Maybe thats why i can't get enough sleep. I'm just restless and always want to be on my grind. Like i've said, theres just too many things to do in one lifetime.  I wanna get out there and do things like kayaking, hiking, etc. but you need money for that which don't carry.  Thats why i will definitely save up for 2011. It will be a beautiful year and i assure you i'm not just saying that.  Gonna make it happen.  I foolishly wasted my high school career and my 2010 -_-
• If a guy really likes a girl; there is no such thing as "too far", "too late", "too lazy" or any excuses.
• Guys, never leave an opportunity for another man to sweep your woman off of her feet because women fall fast for a thoughtful, hopeless romantic and a gentleman. i've seen this happen quite a few times.  So fellas, step your game up.  Never tire of tryna be cute&romantic with her from time to time. keeps the fire burning strong.. heh
• Just the right amount of discipline is attractive. Too uptight or too careless and your a turn off.  There must be a perfect balance with everything.
• I love being busty/curvy but i loathe this asset when it comes to men.  No matter what you say, i will only be convinced that you are in love with me when you want to talk to me more than do me.. and think i'm the most attractive girl when i look like a bum ( no makeup, baller outfit, etc.)because you will also think that my mind is just as attractive and i know when that is. Men, you can't fool me again, i'm learning how you guys work.
• Although words tickle my fantasies and my dreams, do your actions back up your words? actions most definitely speak louder than words.  So no matter what you say, i will always believe your actions rather than words. "Words are just a plain, untouched canvas without the color and animation of action" - ME
• I'd definitely rather have someone who can't stop talking WITH me rather than someone who just lusts after me.I say talking WITH me, because i don't want someone to just sit there and listen and give the occational, "o i c", "thats cool","k", the smileys, etc. Frankly, that's not amusing. I don't want someone who just talks and never lets me talk.  It has to have a perfect balance.  When a guy uses the term "i wanna FUCK you" (especially if he says it constantly) he is giving a big hint that just maybe he just lusts after you,  but when he uses "i wanna make love to you", you know theres something good there.  Cheesy yes, but its just a girl thing.  Try not using those phrases so loosely.
• It grinds my gears when people say "oh your from Chicago thats why you do that" -_- Ninja, I love Chicago but i didn't even live there long enough to incorporate a Chicagoan's stereotypical personality.  I honestly don't even think there is one for big cities.  It will always be filled with plenty of different types of people with different personalities.  Thats one of the main reasons why its considered a big city.  I think left my heart there tho. someone find it? I wanna go back there so i can appreciate it more now that i'm older.
• i'm not as stupid as people think i am.. i just don't speak up..and forgetful.  However people get all defensive and superior when i do and that just grinds my gears.  I respect your words when you speak up why can't you respect mine? Of course there are always those times when i can't express my exact thoughts thoroughly.
• I'm loosing interest in Anthropology only because i'm tired of sitting my ass in a chair for 3 hours straight listening to a professor constantly get off topic and picks at arguments with students. It grinds my gears when teachers to that.  They are convincing me that they themselves are bored of the subject they teach because they can't find any way to entertain students with their so called "passion".  If that really was your passion, you'd be more passionate about teaching it.
• i've lost touch of my hobbies.  Not only have i been lazy, but i've been distracted.. i'm focusing my attention on the things in life i shouldn't.  A little confusion there my dear brain. 
• Finally gonna go take Driver's Ed. in Dec.  One step closer to getting out of here more often.
• I'm convinced that i need to go to the hospital. But i refuse to admit this out loud to anyone because i don't want to make my mom pay for the medical bills til' we get insurance again. Also because i'm afraid of hospitals....  I hate drugs(sometimes the side effects ruin your brain cells), i hate people depressed cause of sick patients, i don't want to waste my time cooped up in a room .. i don't want to do that to myself. If i do end up at the hospital, people better show up with a PS3 or an XBOX and play with me.
• Must i always be the one to nudge and plan things?
• its not amusing to see the same depressing things happen on a regular basis. 
• Being too optimistic can be a bad thing if you abuse it.  Sometimes you need to identify the problem in order to fix it so you can grow.  its also bad when you use it as a shield to cover up all the nasty emotions and thoughts lingering within you.
• I recently just learned this but all you need to as well: no one is a mind reader.  Don't wait for someone to constantly ask you what IS in your mind or what i need to know.. it gets tiring.  
• Things aren't always what they seem like..
• I should write the rhymes i think up at random times.  Secretly, I love rapping and a little spoken word :P  I wanna work at it.
• I should also continue my art project which i neglected after my first day of working on it.
• Humanoid Reptilians? wtf? -__-

Its funny how life works sometimes isn't it?

there's a quite a few more but .. theses are just things off the top of my head.  I know my blogs are a lot, but thats just how my mind works..  Just milliions of thoughts tangled up together.  Sit and talk with me sometime?(: Help me ease my mind

Optimism & competing with myself? Si yo puedo.

Next sem. 20+ units to make up for missing ones this sem. Hybrid & Online classes. And i have a few waiver so no need to worry about fees<3  Yoga(i'd rather take that than Pilates) & Hip hop & Eng. & Math & Psychology & Bio &amp, & French, maybe life&career planning, etc. YUMMM. Yeah, i'm into all that. Galo might have to help me with Bio. Bio will determine weather i should major in Bio, or Biochem or neither.  I wont major in something thats fun and easy because i'd much rather save time and major on something that will contribute more to my future in the medical field..
On a brighter note, I have a hunch i'm going to like English.
I also want to have a job while being a full time student.  Even though i may have money though, i need to save up for the future.   UC is expensive and i want to get an apartment sometime.  So i'd rather save as much as i can now in case of rainy days. ya'dig?

Question of the day: can a grandparent or parents specialty in certain subjects be passed down to you through genes?  My mom seems to think so -_- Cause if its true, i'd be fantastic at everything cause my grandpa was a  God in sports & games, cooking and Psychology & Anthro.  And my Grandma and mom taught History, Science and English.  I wish i had my grandparents to help me with these subjects now.  I like how back then they tried to poison my mind with their interests. I miss watching basketball with my grandpa<3

and playing some ball w/ Kuya Darwin.  everyones getting too grown up. makes me realize how much time i've wasted.  Kids younger than me already have a rags to riches story and i'm 18, and have nothing of that sort yet.  Time is selfish

You can tie my hands behind my back & lick your initials in my neck. Foreplay does nothing for me but commitment makes me wet. I already know you’re having an affair with words… but boo, I’m married to it. My vocabulary leaves most men wary… I need to know, can you get into it?

The difference between "like" "love" & "in love" is the same as the difference between "for now" "for a while" and "forever"

Reunion w/ Briahn Sampayan

Dear old acquaintance; i'm glad you have found your way back into my life because now we are growing to become friends! (:




Absolutely lovely reunion w/ a gentleman. just straight chillin @ Shadow Oak.


I like it how he waits outside his car for me to come out from my house, hug me and open and close the door for me.  every time i got in. BROWNIE POINTS. I also like it when people wait outside til' you get in your house just to make sure you got in safely.  its just sweet&thoughtful.  "is that your mom? should i go say hi? how is she?" haha. 


Anywho; it was a refreshing day.
-Stick shift instructor! this guy has a nice car. too many people have Civics tho.. but this one is a really nice one.  bastard made me rock back and forth on purpose lol couldn't stop laughing.  stick shifts are fun.. the engine sounds nice too. If i learn on time, i just might consider getting a stick shift Lancer.. or not.
-Most of our conversation wasn't the usual awkward, talking about told times type, it was mainly just random shit lol which was fun.  I want more of those type of convos...


- This guy has been to Europe, lived there, and schooled there. thats so cool!
-I'm going to the beach with him and his cousins sometime so i can be their photographer . beach + photography = <333 
-  I hope i will also visit Riverside soon. I miss the twins, the familiar faces and that deserted place which apparently is not so deserted anymore.(i still think it is. everything is so far from one another) I miss my little group over there. My friends AND Ateh Jeanell w/ her friends.  Riverside atmosphere was creepy tho. especially at night.  Jeepers creepers.


- I should have taken a picture of the beautiful sunset.. why didn't i? i think we  were too busy with talking lol  Its not often i get to watch the sun set or rise.

-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UlzoL-wQwio   rofl why haven't i seen this before? maybe i just didn't remember. either way, i couldn't stop laughing uncontrollably. 
i think we just KTFO right when we got home LOL. so tired! 
-Got to keep in touch with as many friends as i can. 
-POSITIVITY here i stay! i'll be the YES WOMAN.  Well, of course i know where to draw the line.
-geez i feel another blog entry can be juiced out of me but i gotta clean up.  I'll do one tonight

"Now I’m less about her sex, I’m more into her thoughts."  -Joe Budden

Now thats my type of man<3


TURN MY HEART INSIDE OUT. LET MY HEART SPEAK.  -Aaliyah

updated: I just want everything to go back to normal.(updated a little 11/05)

"you can call me selfish, but all i want is your love. You can call me foolish, but i'm foolishly in love with you"

How do we solve this?
How did it ever get like this?
When will things get fixed?
What does the future hold?
i'm getting wrinkles from this.. stayin up all night.


All i can really say is: A smart girl really knows whats going on.  Its sad when people don't know when they are getting hit on.  Girls can be very bitter.   They can be nice to men but fake and ugly to a girl's face.  Just sayin' there are those type of situations and girls.  Guys think some girls are have good intentions when they can be like guys too y'know.  Or those "i secretly like you but you have a girlfriend/boyfriend" type. Whatever. i'll just ignore my gut/brain/emotions right now. i gotta distract myself. I trust you


I am Jessica and lately i feel like a douche.  my weakest moment. I feel like i just found the hidden monster within me.  i Don't like admitting i'm jealous or upset, or complaining.  makes me feel like i'm a big fucking baby. But truthfully, i just wanna fix certain things because there are things that are wrong.


This is my fault too.
Also you(no you cj) got into my head so fast, so quickly.  I allowed you to ruin my brain.  Allowed myself to believe every foolish assumption i have would be right.
Well now i just feel like the worst fucking girlfriend in the world because i let my emotions and problems get in the way of your fun time. i'm sorry.  I'm just saying lets fix our problems first ASAP before so can we have fun.  All i can say now is that we both can learn a few things from this and this will make us stronger.  There are some things we can't take back and i'm truly sorry for that.

• Never assume. Assuming is completely different from listening to your heart/gut.
• Voice out my thoughts
• ALWAYS mind&think of my motives before i say or do something
• Not to put my feelings first all the time
• be more considerate
• don't be selfish..

ALRIGHT these things are true in general.. but it wasn't mostly my fault.. i know that for a fact and i will stand by it.  I might play along to make it easier on everyone else, but if the subject is brought up, i will stand strong by my beliefs.

• “He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry. He’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy who is perfect for you.”

  — Bob Marley
  

Me and Jlao's anthem of the night.

Unpleasant feelings

"although i'm dancing with her, i'll never kiss anyone besides you"

That was the start of me getting ticked off.

STFU.

Its not just that, i trust you not to kiss anyone. anyone can accomplish that.

Its the thought of you touching another girl. Sharing an intimate moment with her.. especially when its on a regular basis..

And now shes all up on... nvm. -_-

am i just trippin? perhaps. but it still doesn't make me feel comfortable.
It wasn't her that ticked me off the most, it was you.  It ticked me off cause you really didn't get it.

Let me give you an advice: Ever heard of the phrase "when guys get jealous its cute but when girls get jealous its about to be WW3"? That phrase is very true. Even if she might now show it, its WW3 in her heart&mind. Make damn sure that you introduce your girlfriend to not only your friends, but especially the ones who are girls or get to know. This will ease the tension a little or maybe a lot. It depends.  This also helps not make your girlfriend/boyfriend feel like an outsider when she's around your friends. Usually when a guy doesn't introduce his girl to another girl thats his friend, he's hiding something.. yea he probably forgot but still. Girls will not understand how the fuck you could forget such an important factor. If that doesn't happen; everything is awkward.  And who knows, maybe You're friend and your girlfriend will end up being friends!

This also goes for girls.
Girls, whatever emotions you feel, remember that a guy can also feel the same way.  You may think that guys don't feel jealous or insecure or etc. ever, just because they don't show it or say it, doesn't mean they don't feel it/think about it.

I'll edit this more after i finish my math assignment

Ugh i really should NOT be telling a blog all this but ..

God, some things are wrong.. but nothing is perfect. the flaws are what makes it worth it.. the feeling after you get through a fight is a beautiful feeling.

I need someone(you) to talk to, who just wont listen, but talk back and discuss with me.  Not respond with just Smileys and short text messages.  Sometimes, i just wanna take your time to just talk.  Rant with you, listen to you, discuss things, talk about nonsense.  I wanna feel important enough to take your time to simply just do that.  Spending time or lending her your ears, voice and mind is the best thing you can give to a girl.
Its pathetic how i must rely on a blog to release the thoughts in my head.

Facebook Quizes

I AM A BLUE

BLUES are motivated by intimacy. They seek opportunities to genuinely connect with other and need to be understood and appreciated. Everything they do is quality-based. They are loyal friends, employers and employees. Whatever or whomever they commit to is their sole (and soul) focus. They love to serve and give freely of themselves in order to nurture others' lives. BLUES have distinct preferences and are the most controlling personality. Their code of ethics is remarkably strong and they expect others to live honest, committed lives as well. They enjoy sharing meaningful moments in conversation as well as rememebring special life events (i.e. birthdays and anniversaries). BLUES are dependable, thoughtful, analytical and can be self-righteous, worry-prone and moody. They are like "sainted pit-bulls" who never let go of something or someone once they are committed. When you deal with a BLUE, be sincere and make a genuine effort to understand and appreciation.

YOU ARE ALTAIR/EZIO

You are a quiet assassin that is passionate about his order. You come from a long ancestral group that kill in quiet ways. You will not show your face to anyone but trusted individuals. BTW, you have a lot of friends just like you.

GRYFFINDOR

"You might belong in Gryffindor, Where dwell the brave at heart, Their daring, nerve and chivalry, Set Gryffindors apart." - The Sorting Hat. You have been properly sorted into Gryffindor. The colors of Scarlet and Gold as well as the elemental of Fire represent you best. The hat sees leadership qualities, greatness, enthusiasm, and idealism within your heart. The factor that one can attribute to a Gryffindor is their heart, which is often used before the mind. You are indeed a noble wizard.

What kind of girlfriend/boyfriend are you?

Jessica got Marriage Material.

You are worth the ring! Your marriage will last a lifetime when you chose the right one. He/she will apreciate and adore you!

ENVY

You have the desire for other people's traits, status, abilities, or situation. Envy is linked with the dog and the color green. Your punishment in Hell: You will be put in freezing water.

ZEUS (GOD OF THE SKIES/KING GOD)

You are smart, and strong. You are a leader. You aim to be true and right in whatever you do. You enjoy the Skies.

An interview with Chris LOL some things we discussed out of the millions of things lol Also some questions i left unanswered or just remember

Chris: People have fucked you over so many times. You needa have higher standards!

Me:I think that I actually have high standards that are hard to meet so i tend to compromise a bit.. because i do realize that my standards are just ridiculously high. However, it'd be nice if certain things do meet those expectations.

Maybe i should just stop expecting altogether...hmm....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chris: wow there was a 7.7 earthquake in Indonesia on my Birthday! that sucks.

Me: I guess you just.. *sunglasses* .. rock their world!

hahaha

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Chris: What IS a boyfriend to you?

Me: Obviously, they are attracted to each other. So much that they are willing to commit to be in a relationship together not only to get to know each other even more, but also so they know that they have each other only for themselves. They want to see if this relationship works for the good or the worst, and if not, they break it off. Above all things, they must stay Honest, Loyal and Communicate thoroughly and comfortably.

I believe that you should not have a 'confidant' outside of the relationship. It subconsciously tells the mind that its alright not to tell your boyfriend/girlfriend all the anger/things/problems that are on your mind therefore missing the point of communication.

They are all these things not because they HAVE to, but because they WANT to be.

they also must NEVER forget how to be friends/best friends

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

sexual inuendos from words worded wrong lmao

-----------------------------

Chris: What do you like in a guy?

I honestly...hmmm... to summarize it..

I guess i have a thing for guys who play video games and can dance and perhaps like to sing. Someone funny who likes talking to me and we can always have interesting conversations and joke around. Someone who will not only have fun just sitting around with me, but also going out and doing simple things like working out, video games, sports, etc. Someone who's comfortable to talk to me about whatever, whenever even guy talk(He can even tell me who he thinks is pretty) i've been through guy talk before -__- maybe not that harsh but i've been there. S'what i get for having more guy friends that girls but i don't mind. Just.. spit it out of yo mouth, don't hold it in :D talk about it wif me.

Someone who will allow me to be independent but at the same time help and advice me. He is be my confidant.  Also, someone who works hard too. He can get off his butt and doing something instead of lounging around 24/7.

Someone i don't have to talk to 24/7 just to feel secure enough to know that i'm the only one their heart and mind desire. Someone who will not only lust for me like most guys will, but someone who cherishes my presence enough in their life that they will never tire of trying to get to know me. After all, we are all constantly changing at this stage in our life so you can never get to know someone completely.

Dream guy? i use to fantasize of one when when i was younger but seriously, where would you find that guy? Only in my dreams because never did i dream of him acquiring deceitful features.

ANYWAY;

P90X less intense version here we come! i'll stop though once i feel like i'm getting TOO buff lol Hopefully this will help me get stronger AND gain weight. The stronger i am physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally, the more independent i become. <3

WE WANNA GO TO SHOOTING RANGE BUT ITS 30-40 DOWLAH PP. ):):
and Ice skating is too far from Fullerton to go on Wednesdays

I want to dance with you

Dance. Let the moment fill me up inside. Fill me up with butterflies and joy, not only because i enjoy dancing, but i'm dancing with a handsome and brilliant gentleman such as yourself. I like sharing this intimate moment with you.. perhaps because it doesn't happen that often, either way, it still gives me butterflies and i always cherish those moments

LAST

1. Last place you went?
Monsantos house last night for Chris's birthday! :D

2. Last person to text you/ text someone?
Tweet from FullColl

3. Last person you spoke to?
Mom

4. Last song you listened to?
The business - Yung Berg ft. Casha

5. Last kiss?
CJB <3

6. Last thing you said on IM?
"is he still in the bboy crew?" LOL i fell asleep

7. Last hug?
Last night.

8. Last cry?
Last week? or the week before that or the week before that one.

9. Last thing you ate / drank?
water & Korean food last night. NOMNOMNOM. i love everything Korea

10. Last thing you downloaded?
songs

WHEN

1. Did you start drinking? HM! idk but i don't drink anymore. i only had that phase for 6 months or so.

2. Did you have your first crush?
1st grade! Hello Arnold Salas the second LOL chinky ass muthafucka. He was kinda a bully to me just cause everyone was ): idk i guess i had a crush on him because he was cute and i cherished the few times he was a kind gentleman to me when no one else was around to see that he wasn't really a bully, that he was a sweet person. Oh the peer pressure in the P.i. with kids

3. Was the last time you said I love you?
last night

4. Did you first kiss someone ?
anyone? when i was a baby. i kissed my family on the cheek

boy? HMM.. 7th grade? lol but i never did all that make out stuff til...

5. Did you realize that things need to change?
many times ever since i was little.

6. Was the last time you smoked?
never

7. Was the last time you got butterflies?
..IDK! ):

8. Was the last time you were angry with someone?
at myself Saturday

9. Was the last time you had alcohol in your system?
i think Mindo's birthday dinner

10. Was the last time you swore?
Saturday

11. Was the last time you smiled?
last night

12. Was the last time you hated someone?
not in a long time. if i don't like them i just choose to stop talking to them so i don't have to deal with their foolishness lol

WHY

1. Did you last cry?
thoughts about my momma.

2. Did you last laugh ?
picture i saw this morning. But Sunday i constantly kept laughing to myself cause of the people i was talking to. I wonder if my mom thought i was weird haha

3. Do you think you are the way you are?
cuz the people in my life affect who i am today

4. Are you feeling the way you are right now?
because things must change.

5. Are you doing this?
idk LOL i got shit to do. i just like surveys

New level of growth

• idk when i fell asleep last night. i only reember waking up and feeling like i've slept for days when really, it was only a few hours

• Sad to say i am throwing away my cute froggy underwear. there is a monstrous hole in it. WHY oh why do i keep getting holes in my pants and my unmentionables in the crotch area -_- maybe cause i don't wear shorts when i stretch? but why do my undies do that -_- i don't think i laundry them properly ): oh well.
• I'M NOCTURNAL now. i feel indifferent about it.
• I am falling in love with the book the Scarlet Pimpernel

anyways; before this week, i have lost sight of the morals and values i live by. I have not been myself lately and this week i'm trying to turn it all around again. Because it does not feel good to be this person that i previously was for a short period of time. I know that if i continue to live in this personality, i wont succeed in life nor will i be happy. My mind is seething for excitement, success, happiness within myself, and i can find that not only in myself but also others and all this world has for me. I must make peace with myself, at least temporarily til' i get out of here. The world is just teasing me through my hopes and dreams and unfortunately, i cant accomplish any of it without money which i do not carry at all whatsoever. So i am more determined now more than ever to save as much money as i can.

I know that i don't talk to certain people enough so here i am trying. but quite frankly, if i get in touch with certain people to talk and catch up with right now it would be strange cause in the past i've only shared a mere hello and goodbye and maybe a small talk or two. But i did have intentions to be closer to them, only that i never saw them after our small talk/group conversation.

AHHH!
i cant wait for:web cam parties were planning out
: me and Jackie are planning out a game night that will take place in two weeks

i HATE being a girl sometimes

Hate getting all moody and shit and getting your period. And all the other perks that come along with hormones.

"I hate having insecurities.

Because with all these insecurities follows trust issues, jealousy, secure-less, guards/walls up. Did I miss anything else? I’m so complicated, why -_-?" -ashleywhy:

don't like being complicated; but i am.

Today i've been thinking about the reasons behind my actions.

Also, i've realized that wherever i go i feel awkward and shy. How did i grow to be this person? I don't like it.

gonna change. i GOT TO change. -__________________-

i keep telling myself this but why is it so hard. i did it before, why cant i now?

must.. try.. HARDER

I guess its true when they say "you are your own worst enemy"

right now i don't feel worthy. GOD i hope i feel much better tomorrow.

Just gave myself a back massage.. but i cant reach the middle of my back ):

Today i am going to help myself to some homework and perhaps a little anthro. Then wonder off to Mervin's. Hope it will be a good day.

I love being home alone, blasting the music and carelessly walking/dancing around in just my bra and underwear. I can't wait til' i get my own place and do this whenever i want, close my door and have some privacy and do whatever else i CAN do in a normal house.

i love my kuya DannMartz. were the most similar i think and DJ.. so far out of my cousins

were conjuring up a devious plan for monday. he's halfway around the world but i hope we'll be close enough to hang out often soon. He'd be the perfect big brother for me.

Makes me happy just talking to him

rant rant rant

• i like friends who want to get to know me better and spend more time
• i like friends who remember what i like and stuff
• i like people who don’t take me for granted
• i like having meaningful conversations
• i like people who teach me/show me new things
• i like people who motivate/help me to achieve my goals & aspirations
• i like people who respect me. When they do, i respect them back.
• i like feeling like a kid again. carefree and shit. especially when i get a happy meal, do kiddy stuff, etc.
• i like going on adventures and doing stupid shit with people just cause its fun/funny
• i like hanging out even if it simply means sitting and having a conversation
• i like eating out with friends
• i like joking around with people
• i like people who keep their word
• i like sleeping in the car on road trips
• i like singing in the shower
• i like meeting new people as well as getting to know them

i’m thankful for:

• God
• the gift of life
• an education
• opportunities
• mother
• grandparents & grandaunts&uncles
• family who care enough to K.I.T. and care
• friends especially the thoughtful ones and actually make an effort to K.I.T.
• experiences & life lessons it taught me
• good health (i hope i still have that)
• being unique
• CirJeffrey Lalota Baldomero

I don’t like it when:

• i am rushed. I am constantly rushed by my mother and she rushes me so much, that i pace back and forth confused of what to do first: brush my teeth, get my shit together, do my hair, change, eat, etc. she commands me to do too many things at once. cmon woman, there is only ONE me; if you needed more shit done, maybe you should have had more of me. It would help me cope with loneliness here in this house.
• people take me for granted
• people lie to my face
• don’t keep their word
• people respond with 2 - 3 letter answers or even just 3 words or don’t even respond at all.
• people are rude
• people step on my shoes ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE NEW. like wtf, you can obviously tell they are new, there is more reason to watch out for it.
• people don’t meet me halfway on things
• i have to constantly remind the person til they get it / remember it. Like wtf i know you ain’t THAT stupid.
• people cant take a joke.
• i word something wrong and the person takes it the wrong way -_- my bad
• i start being immature
• people answer me in a rude way/ RUDE PEOPLE
• songs are overplayed

i’m sorry for:

• being too shy; not speaking my mind enough
• not having enough self esteem & courage & for being to insecure at times
• not opening up enough?
• for not living in the moment enough
• not controlling my emotions enough
• not believing enough
• not studying enough
• not choosing the right words when i speak
• neglecting my goals
• for procrastinating on things
• not keeping my word sometimes, when i should. i’m a hypocrite on this part. cause i do tend to procrastinate and eventually forget and it bugs me when people don’t keep their word. It causes me to trust them less next time.
• being distracted
• being forgetful
• being an air head at times
• being clumsy
• if i get selfish sometimes. sometimes even jealous. ( real mature right?)
• having a foul mouth
• having health problems/not taking care of my body as much as i should
• not being “smooth” with conversation
• for not knowing things cause i don’t watch t.v. often or cause i grew up in the P.I. or because i don’t watch enough movies or play enough games
• not being smart enough
• for not always being ‘classy’ and dressing like it 24/7
• for not always being a ‘proper lady’ 24/7
• not having enough money
• not seizing every opportunity i have/had
• the way i talk.. i'm workin on that
• not having perfect posture anymore ): my back always hurts.. i need a nice LONG massage
• every flaw i have. But no one is perfect

i’m working on me, every single day.. and progress comes each day passes

I am mature but sometimes everyone gets immature feelings/thoughts, etc.

"Guys say they want a girl who is real. but when she tells you everything straight you can’t handle how blunt she is. so you call her a “bitch”, and say she’s too controlling. if you can’t handle the heat, stop making excuses and get out of the fuckin’ kitchen"

These type of people ruined me.

I started gettin’ real w/ them then they complain and stop talkin’ to me. You wanted me to be real and tell the truth and be all up front right? then stop bein’ a baby. i hate it when that happens.One of the reasons i keep things to myself.

I also hate it when people are lying to my face just so they don't hurt my feelings. I'd rather have someone tell it to me straight and be honest rather than lying to my face. Thats just worse.

Honesty is very important.

HE IS..

Those guys that have that humble demeanor about him. With that “I don’t give a fuck” attitude, but without all the flashy things. None of that “I’m down for my shit” shit, because if he was really down, people would know it. He wouldn’t need to let strangers know how he handles his business, because it’s none of theirs.(sexy)

If I was approached by someone and he was really polite, like “Hey, my name is so-and-so and I would really like to get to know you,” I would definitely think “Damn, this guy is fly.” Versus the typical “Aye ma, you fine. I wanna know you,” and then he would proceed to stare at you like you’re some type of meat.( shows they are polite and a gentleman, not rude. Also shows they are brave and outgoing)

I like knowing that my guy’s been through some struggles. I like even more when he embraces those struggles and knows that they’ve only made him a stronger person and a better man. He isn’t bitter about any past relationships and doesn’t bring any of that past baggage into his future ones.(show's he's a strong individual and has enough drive to work hard and have a much brighter future. He knows exactly what to become which is a better person. ..Don't like them spoiled ninjas. They think they can get whatever they want in life.)

A guy who has goals and ambition. Not for nothing, if he didn’t finish his education I like seeing that he’s not sitting on his ass waiting for good luck to come to him. I like guys who make their own luck, and fight for what they know they deserve.(shows they are hard workers and see a brighter future. they know that not everything just comes to you, you gotta make things happen. Not lazy.)

I like guys who give respect and earns his own. He respects his elders and he loves his mom and even if he didn’t have the perfect childhood, he still believes in giving a better one to his future family. I like him family oriented. No matter how much he loves me, i will always want him to put his family first.

Those guys who give off a certain sex appeal. When you look at him, you wonder why he’s so damn attractive, because he’s not the guy crackin’ jokes across the room, or the guy showing his moves on the dance floor, or that guy with the gorgeous smile and nice clothes.

He’s just him.
low-key sexy guy.
I like him. (:

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

i got that shit from someone's blog but i added the 3 little sentences at the end.. I totally agree with all of that up there.

I also like it when people get all lyrical describing someone (: maybe thats also why i like rap/underground hip hop. Not only how rappers describe life but also the person they like/love

Damn straight. NEVER take anything for granted

“ Don’t ever let a girl’s efforts for you end in vain. If you love her, take note of the little things she does. When she lets you see her without her makeup, when she brings you your favorite food or drink just because, when she whines softly that she’s cold or that she wants a kiss, when she runs her fingers through your hair. There are probably a million other things she’ll do for you because she loves you, because she wants to, and she will never ask for your acknowledgment of them; but understand that one day she may feel unappreciated, unloved; neglected by your lack of gratitude towards these little things, and may stop. Remember all the reasons why you love her, and remember to appreciate them. You know that saying, you never know what you had until it’s gone. Don’t take her love for granted.”

Confidence. Some have it, some lack it, some need it. Where confidence is absent, insecurities conquer.. and we all know being insecure isn’t cute, if anything, it can make the world’s prettiest girl look like… a monster.

The only way gain confidence is to stop looking at your surroundings and focus on you. Stop comparing yourself to others and everything and focus on how to be the best, be different, unique, and all those other cute words you aim to be. Focus on how to get there. You comparing yourself to your boyfriend’s ex girlfriend or the girl on the magazine is cheating. You’re cheating yourself by making yourself feel bad and making this whole process longer than it has to be. Do you really wanna be your boyfriend’s ex girlfriend? (pun intended) He’s not with her for a reason - that’s cause he’s doing better, he’s doing you. (pun intended, again) Do you really wanna be that girl in the magazine? Don’t you wanna be yourself and be MADhella good at it? Fuck the rest, I say!

You gotta stop thinkin’ about others are gonna think/say. Who the fuck are they? They ain’t payin’ your bills, putting food on your table. They ain’t there listenin’ to you yap about how your life sucks. If they’re not supporting you or making you happy in any way, cross ‘em off your list. I only have 4 ride or die bitches, and the others I keep at a distance.

Eating bitches for breakfast is all about prioritizing your shit - the confidence will come by itself. Get your shit straight - literally. What do you want to accomplish - for yourself? Do what you gotta do to make that happen. Once you accomplish that, relax and take on another challenge. It’s all about making yourself better - all by yourself - with no one’s help. You must stay hungry. It’s survival of the fittest - and you will not lose. Trust, once you accomplish one of your goals, you’re gonna feel soo good about yourself and from then on, you’re gonna stay hungry for that feeling of accomplishment. Never let that feeling go. Always look out for yourself and for the ones you love.

In conclusion, it’s all about not giving a shit about others and it’s all about getting yours. Stop comparing yourself others - but if you must, compare yourself to others and how you can be better than them - without getting in the way of their grind. Never get in the way of someone’s grind, and no one will get in the way of yours. And all that drama bullshit? Dust that shit out the window. Don’t stress over frail shit, that’ll only make ‘em wrinkles come sooner than they’re supposed to. Don’t get mad, get better… and most of all.

Don’t be bitter, stay sweet.

There's a lot of things i'm worried about

Health

• back pains ruin my day
• breasts.. i don't want to say exactly what it is cause it could be serious
• Lactose Intolevrant. I miss eating things..

Relationships:

• MHM...

Future:

• E V E R Y T H I N G.. i still don't know which subject i want to study in the health department. And how i am going to take these side hip hop & art classes. Yup! i might actually do art.. maybe
• i want to learn how to cook more things.. i jsut need money and ingredients
• MONEY MONEY MONEY. money rules everything around me unfortunately. You can't do anything in this world without money.

Wednesday100610

• Dilemmas, dilemmas. didn't get enough sleep
• Late once again to Math. Stupid traffic!
• SI was pretty fun. team "we're thinking!" lol -_- Me and Melody creep'd out of class asap haha
• Rounded up for Steph's 19th birthday Lunch & mall outing
• Mark(not Maio) was a Rainier look-a-like haha. i have to show him a pic. one of these days
• Islands! yummy place. Halfed a burger with David since it was endless fries anyways. Got Steph. that birthday cake :)
• Brea Mall
• Math Lab
• Anthro. discussed the many types of marriage and family in different cultures and the different process. bombed our midterm -_- which is why i recently started studying ahead and i'm going to start making flash cards and doing my papers waaay ahead of time.
• sat @ zee ML w/ mark for 2 minutes haha
• CB playlist
• my mom was telling me about her dream last night.. about me as a baby, her and someone else. we were driving in a van on a very steep road and our van was BARELY staying in because if we just slip up once, we will fall and die. people started coming our way so we had to start walking. She would let me walk ahead(idk how i can since i was a baby) and we had to concentrate on staying on. I think this is a metaphor for our life. Our life is the steep road and if we can't slip or else we will fall. Our life we've had to stay strong and make sure we stay on top of things so that we can survive.
• I love my friends.. very much.

My socks were drenched in water and i couldn't change it til an hour ago. disgusting! Probably why my feet hurt.

My back is hurting 24/7.

No matter now much fun i had today, i'm sad.

She’s always joking around and being silly even when the odds are against her. She’s always making me laugh.. of course when she’s not busy nagging me about stuff i already know lol I wish she’d just spend more time with me, instead of spending time with her soaps.. but thats what makes her happy!

“There is no greater love than a mother’s love”

She’s my inspiration, my angel. No she wasn’t also a dad. You know who was? LIFE. Life was my father. Life taught me how to pick myself off the ground and try again. Life taught me what to believe in. Life taught me most things. But the things that life didn’t teach me, my mom did.

I don’t want to realize how much a person means to me when its too late..

No one lives forever, everyone’s days are numbered but you never know when God will want you back. So i urge you to go out and live life to the fullest, appreciate and never take anything for granted. Treat others how you would want to be treated. Remember that there is a reason for things in life and be understanding and patient. When one door closes, another door opens. When you fall, simply get back up and try again.

“You are not an accident. Your parents may not have planned you, but God did. He wanted you alive and created you for a purpose. Focusing on yourself will never reveal your purpose. You were made by God and for God, and until you understand that, life will never make sense. Only in God do we discover our origin, our identity, our meaning, our purpose, our significance, and our destiny.”


— This means a lot especially for someone like me. all my life everyone around me has made me feel like am a huge fucking accident. I’ve been moving because i’m such a huge weight on everyone’s shoulders but in reality, they just don’t have a big enough heart. the story of my mom’s pregnancy proved to me that i was never really meant to be born. My father didn’t want me to be born because of commitment; i was the reason they broke up (but i was a good thing cause he was cheating on her anyway -__-). The doctors and my family also didn’t want me to be born because my mother would have died giving birth to me at such an old age(43). The only person who really fought for me to be alive was my mother and my grandmother. Thankfully, God gave us a miracle, my mother lived and i was born a healthy baby. I love my mom. Yeah, shes a noob and things, she’s very forgetful, her voice gets really loud and annoying, she cant walk far, her judgement is getting a tad worse; it all gets worse everyday. I love her so much and it just makes me cry because all this makes me realize that she is getting old. I have never pictured my mother getting older. I’ve always pictured her to be the young, lively person she’s been before. She pisses me off so much, but whenever i look at her i am happy that she is my mother. I couldn’t have a better mother in the world. A lot of shit has happened in the past but she still manages to cheer herself up and to stay happy. It just pains me so much to realize that one day she will be gone. I’m thankful each day that God brought her back to life a few years ago. She died for a couple of minutes but that God that he brought my dear guardian angel back. All the medication she’s been taking and the drugs that they gave her in the hospital are whats causing her to loose her memory and stuff. I honestly don’t know what i would do without her. She couldn’t have raised a more proud, strong, and intelligent daughter. I just wish she wasn’t so negative about life.God gave my mother two second chances at living and i’m extremely thankful for that. My mom is going to have to undergo another surgery within the next 5 years or so. I hope God gives her another chance at staying alive..

I love college

i love learning new things

i love meeting people

i love making up my own schedule..

i love being a responsible individual

i love reading about topics that interests me

i love taking classes that actually interest me so i pay attention easier

i love freely bustin out my laptop in class

i love exploring new ideas and learning new things on the daily

i love free money

i love choosing and being free

i love having so many choices for my future.

i’m starting to not hate doing essay.. i actually like it.

idgaf. Im a nerd. :P

i guess i only like it right now cause i don’t have alot of classes.. but next sem. is gonna be a bitch! im gonna try and double up. alot of online AND on campus classes. I’m also excited for Hip Hop class with my friends next semester :) and i think i’m going to join PASA! :D

choices from first to last: UCLA, UCI, Cal State Fullerton, Cal State Long Beach, and on and on.

If i end up at CSULB, i’m probably going to join a sorority that Ateh Jeanell and Bials joined. too bad they just graduated..

Anyways, Its not my fault my life is so bad, but the things i make out of bad situations make my life pretty sweet :) i’m slowly turning things around. ”if you hate something, change it!”

if i was bomb at math, i would be an architect.

i WOULD be a lawyer, but i’d feel weired for many reasons.

i would major in fashion, buuut, so much competition! but then again, so is anything in the medical field.. hm..

i wish Dermatology didn’t take like 15 years or so of my life.

SO MANY CHOICES! AHHH. k bye. gonna go get ready for Buena Park. Oh and me and Jamie are also gonna do a little shopping again today :P and i think ima play with her hair LOL. PEACE!

Sorry for neglecting you Blogspot, but sometimes, the things i want to post on this thing, i tell it to my boyfriend which is MUCH better. anyway...



Downloading music. damn i got a buttload of music already as it is, but its not even close to all the music i want. This is what i get for liking a bunch of genres of music :P THERE IS NO PROBLEM WITH THAT!

Genre currently downloading: Underground Hip Hop.

for all you douchebags that never wanted me; i'm on my way to making ya'll regret ever rejecting me.

haha i just deleted this huge rant..

i HATE being taken for granted..

i feel like everyone(or majority of the people) in my life do.

am i too shy? too friendly? too nice? do too much things for people?
too thoughtful? what is it?


i don't like being mistreated. I will not tolerate it. i'm not some toy
i need RESPECT.
sometimes, i might be too blind to see it but when you do it too much, i notice.
You think i don't notice the little things? I do. In fact, i think those are the things i notice the most.
i'm a fairly happy person, i'm easy to be pleased but treat me right people.

on another note..
Today:
- i've been reading a whole lot on topics that have nothing to do with my classes.. its just for fun. Yes i feel like a nerd but i also feel good knowing a tad more than i did yesterday and keeping up with current events.
- tried that new aspirin&honey thing for my face and it works! my face is softer.
- Thought about a lot while cunteno played video games and i waited for my wings.
- Parmesan Garlic Wings @ Wingstop! yummy. btw. Quiznos and that other business next to it are hot headed. -___-
- walked around everywhere with Cunteno.
- Girls tennis game.
- visited Nogales High. HATE THAT SCHOOL. Mr. Anderson looks like a dike.
- Benji walked me home real quick and waited for me while i hopped into my window since i didn't have a key. walked back to school w/ him after that.
- Chilled with Val, Benji, Jimray, Edgar, Axel, and.. some other guy. had great conversations.
- btw. thank you Jackie Averia for cheering me up & distracting me from my troubles when i am down! even if that means kidnapping me. hahaha Thank you for always hitting me up, joking around, deep talks, stupid, silly things we do, going on adventures, seeing how i am at random times, and respoding through text from my tweets hahaha. I LOVE YOU!
- i had great conversations with Galo on the phone & fb, Cunteno and Benji while walking around. They're the homies.
great conversations make me go..








Its the simple things in life that bring me happiness.

late night Bowling

Hung out with Jackie, Dorothy, CJ, Gabe, David, and Forster.

"Some people make things happen, some, watch things happen and some wonder what happen?"

- I'm normally a happy person. However when people around me are all negative and shit.. that starts bringing me down. ): I'm learning how to not let that phase me.
- I always have a lot to say, i'm just either too shy to say it.. or too lazy to type it haha.. or both
- I'm not stupid. Its just sometimes, i don't know how to explain myself to make the other person understand.. I don't know the right words to make the other person see my views and such. In short, i cant explain myself; well at least i seem to think so. I feel as though i'm trapped in my own head when i cant explain myself.
- i'm indecisive about a lot of things.. i know i only get one chance and when all my options are usually something i want to do, idk what to take that will be more worthwhile!
- i can be gullible. I trust people to tell me the truth but i know that people LIE and when they do, i trust them less every time. When someone says they're going to do something but they don't even TRY,yeah bugs me.
- If you respect me, i'll respect you
- i'm shy but once you make me feel comfortable, then i start opening up.
-

I use to:
- ballet
- paint
- play the piano
- i admit.. i use to do pageants..
- be scared of my barbie dolls
- be hella conservative.. as in wear sweaters and pants in the heat because i was self conscious of my chest.. GROWING and all.. and my armpits starting to sweat. lol



BLAH JUST RANTING! got lots of thangs all up in my brain.

"shoot for the moon because if you fail..you'll land among the stars" -A.k

I've been thinking alot about my future career possibilities lately.
so far here is the plan.. of course, they are subject to change.
If i had the brains for math i'd be an architect... dammit.. but...
I REALLY want to be a dermatologist. I really like working with science and skin, hair, and such.
However since it doesn't matter what i major in in a regular 4 year college.. i'm going to major in nursing so i get my nursing degree and work as a nurse while i am on the waiting list to go to med school for the dermatology program. within that time, i can decide for sure if i really want to do it or have the time&money to pursue it.. at least i have nursing as a career already if dermatology doesn't work out right? Dermatology takes like 18 years of school.. so i'd be a dermatologist when i'm around 40 D:
I'm going to also take a real estate class online &/or pursue a career at Crostex as their sales representative. Its easy money, they pay for all your trips so i don't have to worry about wasting money traveling. And it pays REALLY good. Oh i also want to be a photographer and do makeup&hair(cosmetology) on the side.. oh secretly i want to be a choreographer too but i know thats NOT happening LOL.
In the meantime in college, i want to be a sales associate at a clothing or shoe store. If possible.. maybe even modeling :P TEHE!

Theres SO MANY careers i want to pursue but unfortunately i only have the time span one life to pursue all of them.. so i'll settle for the ones that are in my line of interests and skills.(the ones above) I don't like wasting my time on things or people that don't matter cause i can use that time to establish something worthwhile.
I know you might say, "holy crap thats alot of careers" but really, i don't want to just have one because what happens when one fails? then i have nothing.. thats exactly what happened to my mom and i don't want that to happen. I want to be financially stable individually; i dont want to have to solely depend on my husband. When i go out to buy expensive things i don't have to ask him cause i know i got my own money to spend with a lot more to spare. I want that good life. I don't want to continue settling for just the necessities in life, i want the luxuries that i deserve.

"The greatest war you'll ever face is the battle WITHIN yourself."

I've been kinda moody this week.. probably because of my period but thats no excuse why anyone should just completely disregard my feelings and put myself aside until i come out of this phase.
Usually i have those days where i'm happy the world screw me over so many times because i learned from it and it made me a better person even though i might not have things other people have.
However for the past two days, I've had those feelings when i'm angry at the world for fucking me over. Where would i be today if i had my father with me and my mom? would we be in Texas or still in Chicago? What would have happened if my mom believed in herself to the fullest and pursued a more successful career? Where would i be? What if i cant take any of this shit in this house anymore that i decide to move to NY? ( thats REALLY hard.. thats why i'm hoping Kuya Ryan gets transfered out here to SoCal) How would i be like if i grew up a normal childhood, without major family problems left and right, moving here and there, my privacy in my room(at least where i'll get to close my door), with a mother, a father and a big brother? ..What if?
None of my family problems or my unfortunate childhood is my fault. The people around me made these silly mistakes that weren't even worth creating in the first place. They don't see that they only have one life to live so they shouldn't be creating all this drama&negativity to waste on such a precious lifetime. Its not my fault that i've been exposed to these things but its good because thanks to them, now i know what i certainly don't want to experience or become in my future.
In reality, i should not think about what if's.. actually i don't, just with family matters.. I don't want my children go to through what i went through in my childhood. I want them to grow up as happy,responsible children, with a great relationship with their parents.. (hopefully). 50% of Americans go through a divorce throughout their lifetime.. I sure hope i'm part of the 50% that stay together with my husband.. I'd rather not get married and focus on my career and my cousins rather than wasting a marriage.

Friday the 13th August 2010

I felt very productive today..
- Printing out Job applications and applying online.. i ran out of ink
- Payed for college all by myself :)
- Planning on going grocery shopping tomorrow morning by myself.. I also need to find time/a ride to go to the bank and buy some stamps from the post office sometime this weekend..
BY THE WAY.. did i mention i'm going to be home alone this whole weekend!? Well minus Tito Boy but he's never home anyways! :D
- NAPS! i love them!
- Typed up some stuff and i feel motivated after reading those again :)
- Mini work out.. slowly getting back on track with that lol
- Cj was looking at his old Tumblr posts so i decided to look too and it brought back some lovely memories. (:
sadly..
- It hit me that the mother i once enjoyed talking to really is getting old and she will never be the same again.
- HOW THE HELL AM I GONNA GET TO SCHOOL ONTIME! the bus routes i found take like 2 hours cause it goes all the way around to LA THEN Fullerton. Also, i'm very nervous for my first week.. i'm a lost puppy over there D:


I'm a tad sleepy and i probably should sleep but i'm just so excited! I'm anticipating the adults' departure at 4AM! i cant waste any time this weekend! i've got to enjoy every moment of it.. Relaxing in mi casa with mah babeh<3 In the meantime.. i'll be watching Fresh Prince Season 5... sadly im almost finished with my marathon but in time for college to start so i can focus more. tata for now..

P.S. i need to blog here more often cause sometimes.. i get to hesitant to say things on Tumblr cause everybody checks that.. No one really checks this soo.. you will be my MINI Diary where i will be free to say my feeelings, get all deep and shiiiiiizz. yaknowadimeeaan? PEACE!