Agenda for winter

• Hang out with Cousin Mike & family
• work more
• go to dance classes
• read & learn
• go shopping for new car insurance & health insurance
• clean
• shopping
• work out
• hang out with my friends. get back in touch

I like someone who can identify my flaws but can see the beauty in them & identifies them just as much as an asset as the qualities about myself that I like

I'm talking about the type of people who can dance in the rain.

Speak to mee through music

Juust sayin
For example, if you wanna get me in the the mood to dance, blast somme music. Upbeat. Also, I play upbeat to make me move faster when i walk, clean, etc.
If you wanna get me in the mood.. Play some r&b love songs or sexy songs. Nawhatimsayin!

If you wanna left mme know how much i mean to you, dedicate a meaningful and powerful r&b song to me. The best is when you sing to me and mean every word and note that comes outta your mouth

In English class pot luck

It's been a while since I've been on here. I miss it but I don't have time. Lately, I've been knee deep in homework, work, studying and need for sleep more than ever. I miss performing. As each day goes by, my crave to learn a dance routine keeps growing immensely. Sometimes when i stay up at night I have the urge to juust go on my patio dance floor and just flow.. But then I do that best when music is blasting and unfortunately, I can't do that at night. I still wish i had time and approval to re-learn how to play the piano. I recently had a dream of the perfect house on the beach with a perfect room for myself. Ahh if only. If you haven't noticed, i love to freewrite. Doing this more. I hope I'm not lying to myself when I say that :x

I know it's naive to say but I still believe in those sappy happy endings in movies

FUTURE REFERENCE

http://start.io/jeskaa23

breaking away from the everyday norm routine.
This is the closest thing I can get to a vacation around here.

I'm very picky

with whom I want to be close to.
And most especially with whom I date.
You see, i'm old fashioned
I get bored too easily
I hate routines.
Always wanting to try something new and do something every second of the day instead of just sitting all the time.

I don't like people who aren't real around me

I don't like people who tell me what they think I want to hear
Honestly is key.
I'd rather take the truth
than live on a lie

Underappreciatted

Is what I feel like.
but that's okay.

What exactly do you like about me that makes me unique?

is what i want to ask you.
But i dread the reaction you will have..
cause sometimes, i don't think you know me as much as we both think.

Confession#6: Sometimes, i just want to start everything all over again.

But one of the things i wouldn't change would be meeting you.

Sometimes, i just want to delete majority of my fb friends(because that's the closest thing i have to starting all over w/o loosing my closest loved ones & moving to a strange place alone) and keep my closest friends and family. but that would probably only leave me with 100 friends.

Confession#5: I never stop yearning for more.

Sometimes, things seem perfect
but i get scared cause nothing is every perfect
or when i'm too happy, something in the future is going to ruin it and make perfect happy moments imperfect.
but other times, I just want everything better.

when really, imperfection is perfect for so many reasons.
examples:
- bad times&people will never make you appreciate the good times&people as much
- you will not learn anything if you don't fail first

I would just like to tell someone..

How i LOVE my job (:
well.. so far. but i love my co-workers! <3
Also like how it gets busy. Yes it's frustrating and embarrassing when i mess up but i love the challenge and not being bored.
best of all, hello $$$$$$$$$
Although it might not be much now, it will add up later.
This also helps my time management skills and saving up and focusing on school and saving $$
I'm on my way to being on top of my game.

Confession#4: You're a special case of "you don't get what you wanted. Instead, you get what you NEEDED, deserved and so much more"

Confession#3: Naked in my room

for about 30 minutes already lol been taking phone calls like this (awkward)

it feels good to actually be able to have the freedom to do this and have my door closed for once.  It's definitely strange to me of course since i haven't done anything like this before.  Except for those few 5 minutes i'm naked OUTSIDE of the shower tryna rush putting lotion on so i can finally put my clothes on.

NO BUENO

Doing a 4 page essay last minute while you are sleep deprived with cramps..

need better time management skills.. i guess i was wrong about mastering that already

Confession #2: When i'm very frustrated or really angry, i tend to want to cry/tear up and in some cases.. i do.

Confused..

with my emotions.

Interesting people..

Everyone & everything on earth is fascinating in my opinion..
i don't like the lazy, constant, routines, etc.... anyway..

I'm not attracted to good looking guys.. I mean, i do have my opinion on who's cute/handsome/hot and what not.. but i'm more attracted to men PEOPLE who are interesting, down to earth&kind& helpful/thoughtful&understanding, open minded, silly/sense of humor, out going and have a lot of hobbies and etc.. just like me!  

great example: my strange attraction to Travie Mccoy :P I want to be his friend!  I'd love to go out to Africa w/ him to save people w/ the Lazarus Effect.

i'm picky with whom i allow to be a close friend.

I solemly swear

To never put myself to any form of depression or be upset for a long period of time every again.  Why?
because i am happy with myself and my flaws. If anyone keeps me upset, they are no good so i'll just drop them. Sorry.


i should probably go into more detail about this (cause it makes me sound like a total bitch but i'm not. i've just learned a lot through rough times) but i'll leave it at this for now..
I don't want to spend too much time right now elaborating my thoughts at a computer..
or a human being reading this who wont even take the time to ask me the necessary questions to get to know me better.  The one who wont have the time or thoughtfulness of having a deep talk with me or discussion about life or anything in general.
I just had to post this so i wont forget to do so later on.
BYE.<3

I LOVE this!

http://everythinglove.tumblr.com/tagged/ingredients_of_love/chrono

Ingredients for love

MOOD SWINGS OF THE DAY

• tired didn't wanna get out of bed
• optimistic made plans for the day
• happy / giddy 
• frustrated
• cranky
• emotional / tears rolled down when i drove
• cried in the car then fell asleep there
• lazy 
• HIPER / giddy i'm literally dancing around my room to chris brown right now. God i need a dance class stat! 

wtf. most moods in one day. haha

i'm craving some thai ice tea, a bowl of sliced assorted fruits and some ribs.

*DROOL*

i know that if we were still close that you'd be at my door with all of these in an hour.

People need to just stfu sometimes. Do you even know the shit that comes out your mouth that you say just to be part of a hype?

kids these days .. -_-
First thought about this when i listened closely to the last verse of Bad Lands - Zion I
made me laugh to myself at how true it was.


Sometimes, i wish i was a teenager in Chicago during the 90's.

Monthly Visitor

no wonder i've been cranky lately and over thinking & over stressing.

Right now i just dgaf about anything -_-
i'm so confused. SO moody
so needy/whiny
but is it being whiny/needy/complaining really all it's cut out to be?
i mean, i just know what i want and what i don't want.
is that so much to ask for?

DAMN. I hate being needy. I just feel pathetic when i complain or request something so..i'll just not say anything.

anyways; on a side note, i've been into red lips lately and all of my clothes. ALL of it. I'm trying to not ignore anything i have in my closet and drawers anymore. After all, what's the point of having all these things if i'm not going to use them right?  it just takes up space. I know my clothes feel forgotten and i hate that feeling so i wont damage their ego anymore.  I'll rock the shit out of everything i wear and do.
Yes i have a wild imagination.. that just shows the artistic side of me.

I want to tell you all these things. SO many things. Everything from the cheesiest, most cliche things to  all the other random things on my mind but i don't know why i'm still not completely comfortable with that. probably it's because i don't want to look anymore like a fool.  I always have my guard up.. still. -__-  The next theory i have is because we never get to talk as much about US. We don't have stupid conversations about random shit. We don't have those late night conversations on AIM anymore or the phone (and i HATE how i'm not allowed to). All we have us the usual, "sup".  I don't feel as connected to you as i expected to be at this point.  I have so many questions. Questions i must share with you.  Maybe it's just me.. 
what happened?
FUCK now i feel like crying -_-
curse my period for making me so emotional and all'a this moody crap.
i'll stop while i can still stop myself.


I know this post has really jumped topics like crazy but that just goes to show how i'm thinking more than usual.(i despise having to point out the obvious but usually people just don't get me or even ask so i have to..)

I have a secret.

I"m just going to come out and say it.
I love my body. Yes, every inch of it.
No, not everything in it is perfect but i like it that way.
I love my personality.
No i'm not perfect but i like it that way.
My flaws and perfections together make me who i am.
I never admitt things about loving myself  out loud because judgmental people would automatically call me conceited.
Being conceited is about revolving around yourself and making everything around you.
Being conceited means wanting to manipulate everything so that you're always the center of attention
Being conceited is being addicted to the spotlight
But i'm not like that.
I simply love myself the way I am because i accept who i am. that's all.
It's being completely comfortable and confident with myself.
It's being happy with myself.
I love ME the way i am.
So no; i refuse to apologize for being me and loving me.

“we are afraid to care to much; for fear that the other person does not care at all”

Relevant to me. -___-

Rap

Especially underground rap.  The one that's not as popular as the music they advertise at clubs to get low and freaky.

No. The meaningful ones with lyrics that tell a story.

That's the type that i like.

I like people filled with knowledge.  The ones who are constantly thinking but also have a sense of humor.

The ones who are comfortable with themselves.
The ones who crave change for the better and the ones who are thirsty for more knowledge just like I.
The ones who i can have a GOOD conversation with.

Sweetest Language - 9th Wonder
Words I never said - Lupe Fiasco
For real - Amel Larrieux

I'm sitting here reading my old entries.  I came across someone's two comments on two of my old entries so i proceeded to read his whole blog all over again.  It's been a while

It's nice to read that you are part of someone's day and that you were the reason why their day was good.  That you are the reason for the thoughts in their head.
It's nice to know that someone reads your posts and has an input or has a random message to write back about it.
It's nice to know that someone still remembers little details about you
It's nice to know that someone still bothers and goes that extra step to be a gentleman and make you feel special above the rest.
It's nice to know through actions not through words.

"People are illogical, and unreasonable, and self-centered. Love them anyway. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives Do good anyway. If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway. The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds. Think big anyway. People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs. Fight for a few underdogs anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight Build anyway. People really need help but may attack you if you do help them. Help people anyway. Give the world your best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you have anyway."

“Can’t is the worst word that’s written or spoken;

Doing more harm here than slander and lies;
On it is many a strong spirit broken,
And with it many a good purpose dies.
It springs from the lips of the thoughtless each morning
And robs us of courage we need through the day:
It rings in our ears like a timely-sent warning
And laughs when we falter and fall by the way.

Can’t is the father of feeble endeavor,
The parent of terror and half-hearted work;
It weakens the efforts of artisans clever,
And makes of the toiler an indolent shirk.
It poisons the soul of the man with a vision,
It stifles in infancy many a plan;
It greets honest toiling with open derision
And mocks at the hopes and the dreams of a man.

Can’t is a word none should speak without blushing;
To utter it should be a symbol of shame;
Ambition and courage it daily is crushing;
It blights a man’s purpose and shortens his aim.
Despise it with all of your hatred of error;
Refuse it the lodgment it seeks in your brain;
Arm against it as a creature of terror,
And all that you dream of you some day shall gain.

Can’t is the word that is foe to ambition,
An enemy ambushed to shatter your will;
Its prey is forever the man with a mission
And bows but to courage and patience and skill.
Hate it, with hatred that’s deep and undying,
For once it is welcomed ‘twill break any man;
Whatever the goal you are seeking, keep trying
And answer this demon by saying: “I can.”“

”

—	Edgar A. Guest

I get bored very easily...

bored of "the usual".
bored of being alone and talking to myself in my head
bored of the constant
bored of being broke
bored of broken promises
bored of bills
bored of empty words
bored without family around
bored without friends around
bored without adventure.  Thank God i drive now.
Driving alone takes my mind off of things
just wish i had an aux chord in my car.

Would you sacrifice your life for your career/school?

I got this question when i was watching Lady Gaga's 60 minutes interview.  Lady Gaga sacrificed her life for showbiz.  I caught a glimpse of the life she lived. She's such an amazing person.  anyway;

      If i'm going to be any type of doctor, i will have to sacrifice my life.  I wont be able to do the things i always want to do or hang out with whoever i want and when i want because i'm going to be busy studying, and being on call for my patients. (I mean, 20 years to be a Dermatologist!?) Basically, i'm going to have to sacrifice my life for my patients.  I'm going to live for them.
Am i willing to make this sacrifice? I mean, there's so much i want to do!

Love vs. Infatuation

I wish everyone knew the difference.  I wish everyone knew the difference before they tell me they love me.

Have i truly "loved" all of my ex boyfriends/ suitors? NO; not all at least now i know that. Though i loved them as a friend.  I'm looking back and our cute stories would convince you that it was love but it wasn't.  We were still so young.  Anyone can have a cute story when you tell it about the first few weeks/months of your "love".  l wish i never got with anyone unless i already knew the difference but i suppose wouldn't know if it wasn't for those relationships.
I wish i could say that the first person i ever had a relationship with was love but it wasn't.  It was peer pressure.
I wish that the person i'm going to marry is going to be my "first love" but maybe he wont be. but he will definitely be my "soul mate" because i mean, we're going to spend the rest of our lives being faithful to each other and being best friends.

So how do you know the difference when it's sometimes hard to tell the difference at all?
i think i can tell. just wont take the time to post it cause i would know how to fully explain all the details.. let's just say; you'll get the feeling and know.


I have learned not to fantasize about me and a significant other's future together past marriage (no matter how much you two think it's going to work out) unless we will be engaged.  Frankly, i'm afraid of the topic.  Don't get me wrong, it's nice to dream of that.. but Fantasizing of the future just distracts from the now. (I also don't want to jinx anything if there is even a chance that a man will be "the one" for me)
     The whole point of a relationship is to get to know each other fully, love, fix the problems of the relationship today, build a strong connection and understanding, be best friends & be there for each other, and most importantly, have fun with each other.  A relationship focuses on the US and not each other individuality. Problems? speak up, talk the whole thing out, everything on your mind, and agree on a compromise.

So for now, i dream of my future by myself with a mystery man. When i dream about it, I am hopeful that it's a certain someone but then i force myself back to the mystery man.

And I HAVE thought about the idea of ending up alone, a long time ago.  &You know what? I am perfectly fine if that happens.  More time for the things i want to do & my hobbies, my friends and family.  I would also adopt a lovely orphan child and save his/her life for the better.
Either way, i'll end up H A P P Y. & boss with my strong, independent self.
Life goes on no matter what happens so might as well make the best out of what you have.

Knowledge is Power.

To know your role is to know your power.

To know your importance is to know your power.

To know your surroundings is to know your power.

To know yourself is to know your power.

To know your strength is to know your power.

To know your power, as a woman, is far beyond the knowledge of most today.

Knowledge is Powerful, when shared. Sustain your power and share your knowledge with the world

-FLTM

Unappreciated

My day reached it's peak and it slowly went downhill to a crash.
           I came home to yelling and complaining about news on the TV. I proceeded to sneak in my room as usual without turning on the lights.  Ben asks my mom why i wont turn on my lights.  My mom tells him that i'm in the living room.  But Ben, the stalker/creep that he is, knows that i just got to my room.  So, automatically, my mom comes in my room and asks me why.  I respond with "Oh i'm conserving energy.  Plus, i barely got home"(since they always complain how i waste energy. -_- i'm barely home. How could i be?). "Oh OK".
           After a few minutes, Ben comes storming in (as usual) all of a sudden yelling at me and calling me names.  "Useless" he says, REALLY NOW!? I voluntarily payed for the bills for two months in a row. I carry all the heavy shit that YOU should be carrying.  Even though it's too heavy for me,  I just don't say anything and carry it anyways because i know if i don't carry it, my mom is going to and i know that's no bueno on her back and her heart.  I clean my room every single day without being told.  I WOULD be happy to do chores outside of my room and bathroom if you weren't on my ass and watching my every move you creep.  We're the ones who go out, get water, get the grocery, pay the bills, my mom's the one who cleans every inch of your house.  AND what do you do? sit in your room and watch tv & porn all fucking day long and be loud as fuck. Oh and blow your money on piles and stacks of junk in this house that no body even wants.  So how could you complain about not having money? dumbass.
           Oh and you wonder why i have so much hate for you? that's not even everything, you know all the abuse you've put me through before? yeah i might have "forgave" you for my mother but i will never forget.  You're so damn lucky my mom is SOOO forgiving. 
            Anyway; before i could even say anything, my mom comes in to defend his ass.  All of a sudden she's on his side.  -____-  Idk wtf my mom wants. How could she be so blind?! Ben always has to ruin it when things between me and my mom are going amazingly well.  Jealous pathetic bitch.


Honestly, why do i even bother to try in this house anymore? Why do i even bother coming home?  -_- Oh right, it's cause i love my mother so much i wanna see her happy.  But her logic is just so messed up. I just try and stay out as much as i can to avoid all this as much as i can.  I'm surprised i've put up with this for her for almost 10 years.. 




All this just cause i wont turn on my fucking light.

don’t EVER boss me the fuck around you pathetic, good-for-nothing monster -__-
you have done enough damage to my life already as it is so just let me be.  I grew up to be a great woman with good judgement regardless of the shit you make me and my mother put up with. 

I don’t understand when people hate or dislike a person (or people) for the following reasons:

1. Because one of your friends or your group of friends don’t like the person, so you automatically dislike the person as well

2. You dislike one person of a group, therefore you dislike the entire group of people

3. Because that person is your significant other’s ex

4. Because you heard something about that person, but you don’t know if it’s true, you just assume that it is

5. Because you’re envious - they have something you want, they’re friends with people you want to be friends with, they’re able to do something you can’t, etc.

You shouldn’t hate for reason:

#1. It just goes to show how much of a follower you are and can’t generate your own accurate and nonjudgmental opinion about the person. If you have no reason to dislike the person, don’t jump into the conversation saying, ‘I agree,’ when you have no place to say anything. Also, you have no place to judge a person in the first place. You are not God, you didn’t create the person, so you have no place to judge the person.

#2. If there is a single person in a group whom you have foul feelings for, do not let those feelings spread throughout the whole group. They didn’t do anything to you so you shouldn’t say anything bad about them. If it’s only that one person that you have issues with, stick to that one person because when you hate a group for no reason, you create more issues.

#3. Just because it’s hard to accept the fact that someone else had a past with your present and future, it’s not an excuse to be mad at them. There’s obviously a reason why they never made it to their present/future. Do not pay too much attention to the past because it’s gone. Live in the present and hope for the future.

#4. When you assume something, you make an ass out of you and me.

#5. Envy is one of the seven deadly sins. It’s also not a pretty/handsome look on both women and men.

Pretty much! Hate/dislike/ill feelings/etc., it’s not right and it ain’t worth it. I’m guilty for all the reasons above, but trust me, I’m learning. In fact, not only shouldn’t you hate for the reasons above, but you shouldn’t hate at all. Yes, we’re human and hate is a very strong and tempting feeling, but it’s something you should definitely try your hardest to avoid and resist.

Remember: Hostility is not the best accessory.

"It’s about working hard for what you want and knowing when to stand up for what you deserve. It’s not about demoralizing others; it’s about self-empowerment. It’s not about being arrogant; it’s about displaying your confidence and intellect as a badge of pride. It’s not asserting any inherent superiority or self-entitlement, but recognizing your own self-worth and value."

In order to gain the right respect, respect yourself enough first to know that you deserve it.

In order for others to trust you, you must trust yourself enough to be real with them.

In order for others to believe in you, you must have faith in you and your actions.

In order for you to to rely on others, make sure you are able to rely on yourself first.

In order to be treated like a Lady, you must act like one.

<2First Lady

I want to talk to someone..

face to face.  Filled with everything from inside jokes to deep talks (because that's what I enjoy most)
and not with just anyone..
I want it wit you
IMY <3
You are so close
yet so far..

Note to self: this entry will be filled with paragraphs describing why i love Travie Mccoy.

one of the only things missing is a dancer trait and he's perfectly imperfect <3
OH and minus the smoking ...

thoughts i got while stretching that i must make a brief statement about..

   I know i'm going to make even more sacrifices than i've made to change the course of my life.  If i'm going to keep on slakin off on school and have a mediocre job that doesn't guarantee a stable position in society, i'm going to end up like my mother; switching jobs for the rest of my life.  I WILL be the breadwinner for my family.  Yes there are a few in my family, but not enough.  Some have even forgotten about us once they rose to their duties as a successful individual.  No, i will never forget my family.
i'll prolly go into more detail tomorrow.

It’s amazing what one person can do. Some people build you up just to bend and break you. Some people bring out parts of you that you had no clue existed. All throughout life we meet people and every single one of them brings something to us, gives us some sort of purpose. We come across people that will hurt us so incredibly much that it seems unbearable to go on with our lives, but the truth is; we can overcome anything we want to if we believe in it enough, if we have faith in ourselves, in who we are. The most important thing in life is to find yourself, know who you are at all times and stand by that for the rest of your life. No one has to the right to tell you who you are and control your life, cause it’s yours. Your life is meant to be lived by no one else but yourself. We sometimes let people get the best of us, destroy us and change our opinions on what we believe is true. Only you know what’s right for yourself, you have the power, you make the choices and you learn. Each experience we go through in a life is a lesson to be learned. We all make mistakes, why is that so hard for some to understand? No one should be judged by the mistakes they have made. It’s past news. Everything happens for a reason, and without the hard times, how would we ever realize our true strength? It’s only through a time of suffering when we realize how strong we truly are inside, when we realize how much we can actually put up with and deal with before we eventually break.

A lesson to boys

Girls like a guy who can stand up for himself, because if he can’t, how can she be so sure that you can take care of her, also? We love reassurance and comfort.. and most of the time, it’s quite often. That’s never going to change. Most of the time, we’d be okay that you are with your boys, just remember not to say anything when we are with ours. We are over protective if you give us a reason to be. Treat us the way you want to be treated, which means.. no bs about the boy we were talking to or just a simple male friend we are hanging out with. If you’re gonna trip about other boys, we are most definitely gonna trip about other girls. Another given. Because two can play that game. Girls like to be held, and kisses on the forehead are so much cuter than a massive make out session in public. White crewneck and dark denims = turn on. The absolute simplest way to dress, but also the sexiest. Whoever told you that a girl’s gonna cost you your bank account is wrong. Money doesn’t buy love. A perfect gentlemen pays for all expenses, but the world is made up of flaws, so it’s okay. Take turn paying, and if she insists that you pay all the time? Leave. (Okay, maybe not, but do something about it.) Girls do spoil their guy, if the same is given in return. Homemade gifts are often THE cutest. Random visits and gifts mean more than when you are “supposed to do it (Valentine’s day, Christmas, etc.) Girls need their girls, just like you need your boys for.. whatever your reason may be. That is the absolute worst reason to get jealous over, she’s not going to turn lesbian. When she askes you for a favor, try to do it. She’ll get frustrated and you’ll end up in an agrument. Simple things like texts or a cute IM is nice, just don’t smother her. Ex-girlfriends and the past bring up a horrible subject. And although you and your ex might still be friends, make sure that your girl nows that she means nothing, that reassurance will never stop, never. And most importantly, stay consistent. Girls go absolutely crazy when you were sweet the first few months and.. soon, it fades away. Keep chasing, and when you feel like you want to stop, let her know - don’t just leave her, don’t just let her go.

From Tumblr

"WHEN IT COMES TO RELATIONSHIPS, ‘CHEATING’ IS NOT ALWAYS SOMETHING YOU DO PHYSICALLY.

I know we all have our opinions and thoughts on to what ’ cheating ’ really is, but this is my perspective on it. I’m sick and tired of people thinking js cos they not ’ sleeping ’ with the other person, it means they ain’t cheating. Bullshit. Cheating can be as simple as a simple text, call, hang out, or even thought (thinking about cheating ). You can be emotionally & mentally cheating and you not knowing it. The way you talk to your boo shouldn’t be the same you talk to another person: such as sexual content or flirtatious ways.

Put it this way, anything you know that would hurt your boyfriend/girlfriend if they were to every find out.. CHEATING. It may be “ not telling the truth ” but it’s also cheating. Don’t do shit you wouldn’t want your boo doing. It’s simple as that. Karma is a bad bitch yo. I wouldn’t wanna fuck with her."


hmm... food for thought

I Still think about you everyday..

and i just might for the rest of my life.

I wish you guys were still here next to me and sometimes, the thought makes me tear up.


I wish my two biggest role models were still here..

I know you guys are looking down from heaven watching, smiling and guiding me <3



This morning i was thinking about how much i miss my grandparents and wish that they were still here with me.  I wish i showed them and told them how much they meant to me. I showed them love back but i took for granted an old, cruel friend named Time.  I was 7 when they died and i always assumed they'd live forever til i learned about a little thing called death with my own eyes.  No one ever introduced the idea of death to me til' that happened.
   I realized that i should never take anyone's presence in my life for granted.  I never want to leave someone with a bad memory of me.  I may see them again or i might not, that is uncertain.  Anything can happen so i will try and never leave anyone with a bitter memory of me.  (add more later)

hey babe & sweet lady
are my favorite songs.

I fell for these songs.

Late night phone calls that contain amazing conversations til' the early morn'..Too bad no one has time or the convenience for that anymore..(&sometimes, that even includes me)

POINTERS i need to blog about when i get back.

• I'm not in a great mood today.  3 hours of sleep. a lot of time thinking.
• How DARE you step in my room especially when i'm here.
• Next week is a BIG week for me.. not just for school.  i'm very anxious and eventually.. nervous
• i'm always the one planning (i guess it's okay cause i'm boss like that lol but it's nice when i get a break)
• FINANCIAL ISSUES for the rest of my life... UC+MED SCHOOL+MOVING OUT+LANCER+ADVENTURES+FRIENDS = DEBT unless of course i win the lottery. sigh
• i am positive. i am one of the most positive and optimistic people out there. but i will NOT be ignorant of the issues in this world.  So don't ever call me negative.  I learned for my negative past. so i know from experience NOT to get into all that negative mess.

Some posts i never published on tumblr. they just sit in the Drafts folder.

• i`m married to tha money, but i`ll fuck the shit out of success. determination took my virginity, but i had a baby with progress, & fathered my dreams.
• I’m not the silly romantic you think. I don’t want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don’t want gemstones or gold. I have those things already. I want…a steady hand. A kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe. I want to love, and be loved.
• And when I’m older and my daughter asks me who my first love was, I don’t wanna have to pull out an old album. I want to be able to point across the room and say “he’s sitting right over there.”
• You very rarely get everything you want in life. But when you don’t fight for it, you have even less of a chance. So here I am. Fighting for you.
• “Maybe shes not the most beautiful girl in the world, & maybe shes not the brightest crayon in the box, But shes real, without even trying; That right there is real beauty.”
• Its not that I don’t care. Don’t get me wrong. Its just that I’m at that point where I’m not letting these nonsense things get to me anymore
• “I spend 23 hours a day wondering whether we’re wrong for each other, wondering whether we’ve got the energy that we need to get through everything that we seem to get into, whether the baggage we both bring would sink a small ship. But in the 24th hour, I realize I’ve been thinking about you for 23 hours. There’s something about you I can’t stay away from. Something about you, that makes me want to love you.”

— Gerascophobia

• “ I’ve learned this past year. I’ve changed, I’ve grown. Maybe things do happen for a reason, maybe they don’t. but no matter what, they still happen. That’s what we need to remember. I learned to stop analyzing things, to just let them happen. And if I get hurt, or if something bad happens, then it happens. There’s nothing I can do to change that. I’ve learned to go with my gut, and that it’s okay to make mistakes because the ones that matter, won’t care. I’ve learned that love really is as great as they say it is. I’ve learned that your friends can save you from your worst enemy: yourself. And most importantly, I’ve learned that today is all we have.

• ‘It’s amazing what one person can do. Some people build you up just to bend and break you. Some people bring out parts of you that you had no clue existed. All throughout life we meet people and every single one of them brings something to us, gives us some sort of purpose. We come across people that will hurt us so incredibly much that it seems unbearable to go on with our lives, but the truth is; we can overcome anything we want to if we believe in it enough, if we have faith in ourselves, in who we are. The most important thing in life is to find yourself, know who you are at all times and stand by that for the rest of your life. No one has to the right to tell you who you are and control your life, cause it’s yours. Your life is meant to be lived by no one else but yourself. We sometimes let people get the best of us, destroy us and change our opinions on what we believe is true. Only you know what’s right for yourself, you have the power, you make the choices and you learn. Each experience we go through in a life is a lesson to be learned. We all make mistakes, why is that so hard for some to understand? No one should be judged by the mistakes they have made. It’s past news. Everything happens for a reason, and without the hard times, how would we ever realize our true strength? It’s only through a time of suffering when we realize how strong we truly are inside, when we realize how much we can actually put up with and deal with before we eventually break.’

• Those who claim to not feel pain prove to be the weakest individuals amongst us all. It takes real pain to show what one can truly amount to in the worst of times. I guess that’s why they say that pressure is either going to bust pipes or make diamonds.
• Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves. 0 Comments October 3, 2009 Things don’t change; we change. 
•  Hell is what you choose to call the present, that’s why we’re going through it, i just choose to call it stressin. 
•  To be happy, you simply must stop taking advice from other people.
• The greatest relationships are the ones you never expected to be in. The ones that swept you off your feet and challenged your ever view. The ones where you found yourself to be a better person because of who you were when he was around. The ones that made you wake up with a smile on your face no matter how corny it was. The ones that made everything right when it was wrong. the ones that caused you physical pain to leave because leaving meant losing a part of yourself.
  
  The greatest relationships are the ones you’ll always remember not because of their length, but because of who you were with. The ones where the memories make you want to laugh when you’re crying. The ones that make you believe that god exists, because no one else could have created someone so amazing. The ones that cause you to change for the better, even if you don’t realize it. the ones where you know you’re being honest with yourself, so much it hurts.
  
  The greatest relationships are the ones where he called you lame and you just rolled your eyes because you knew he was kidding. The ones where you were comfortable around him because you knew he’d love you no matter what. The ones where love seemed to be the only answer. The ones that made you compromise because it was something you knew you wanted to last. The ones where you accepted what he did because you just wanted to see him happy.
  
  The greatest relationships are the ones that changed your life. The ones that made you rethink your future because you knew it’d be better with him. The ones where you felt like your forever had finally appeared. The ones that made you question the ending. The ones that told you to push through the problems because eventually it would be better again. The ones where you broke your heart and his for his good, even when you couldn’t explain without breaking a rule.
  
  The greatest relationships are the ones where you care more about his happiness then you do about your own. The ones where you do what you do for his future, even if it means wrecking your present. The ones where you tell yourself to walk in the opposite direction, because you know there are just some things you can’t do. The ones when you cry not because it’s over, but because you know you lost not only him, but your best friend too.
  
  The greatest relationships are the ones where you’ll thank him for being a part of your life, no matter how short. The ones where you’ll never forget him because he helped shape your view on love. The ones where you’ll always be there for him, whether or not he’ll accept that. The ones where he put up with your crap when he didn’t have to. The ones where your last tribute to him was doing something he never thought you’d do - and loving it.
  
  The greatest relationships are the ones where you’ll always love him, even when he’s forgotten all about you. The ones where you’re changed forever because of him. The ones that you will always smile about because while they were flawed, they were still amazing. The ones where you fought what you knew was going to happen because you couldn’t quite come to terms with losing him. the ones that remind you love lost is better than never having loved at all.
• “When a man hurts you, mentally, physically, or emotionally, he does not deserve you. He is telling you that your beauty was made for him and that he has control over it and you. No man has that power.”
• “If you dress nicely, he says you’re a snob. If you dress sexy, he says you’re a slut. If you argue with him, he says you’re stubborn. If you’re quiet, he says you’re stupid. If you call him, he says you’re needy and clingy. If he calls you, he says you should be grateful. If you don’t love him, he’ll try to win you. If you love him, he’ll leave you. If you don’t fuck him, he’ll say you don’t love him. If you do, he’ll say you’re easy. If you tell him your problems, he’ll say you’re irritating. If you don’t, he’ll say you don’t trust him. If you lecture him, he’ll say you’re bitchy. If he lectures you, it’s because he “cares”. If you break a promise, you can’t be trusted. If he breaks it, he had to. If you cheat, u expect it to be over. If he cheats, he expects to be given another chance. Either way…you never win.”
• A good girlfriend doesn’t question and constantly check up on her man when he’s out; A good boyfriend will check in with his girl to let her know what’s up and that he misses her.
• “You’re beautiful and you don’t know it. You’re smart and you don’t believe it. You’re the kind of girl that guys don’t get over. You’re the kind of girl that other girls get compared to.”
• “ The best part of having a relationship is getting to call the person or lay down next to them and tell them all the crazy things that happened to you all day long. And in the end that’s what it’s about, kids. It’s not about the sex, it’s not about the money that they give you or whatever. It’s not about how good-looking they are, it’s about, can they listen to you talk for hours and hours and hours about stupid shit that doesn’t matter. And if they can, then you’re meant to be together forever. Even if that means you have to call them 100 times, that’s okay. ”
• “we are afraid to care to much; for fear that the other person does not care at all”
• I use to look up to a lot of respectable people.  But they have all failed me.  They all have done NOTHING for me.  I learned that the only person I should look up to is myself.  I am the one who has the choice for my future.. I am the one who makes things happen for myself .. not no one else but myself.
• When i started flirting with Hustle, Failure became my Ex, Now i’m engaged to the game, and married to success
• for you do not know what will happen tomorrow. what is life?  it is like a vapor that is here one moment and gone the next  --James 4:14

• “STAY TRUE TO THOSE WHO HAVE ALWAYS STUCK BY YOU AND FORGET THOSE WHO ARE ONLY AROUND FOR THE GOOD TIMES.”
• The only people you need in your life are the ones that prove they need you in theirs.
• "Guys say they want a girl who is real. but when she tells you everything straight you can’t handle how blunt she is. so you call her a “bitch”, and say she’s too controlling. if you can’t handle the heat, stop making excuses and get out of the fuckin’ kitchen"

These type of people ruined me.

I started gettin’ real w/ them then they complain and stop talkin’ to me.  You wanted me to be real and tell the truth and be all up front right? then stop bein’ a baby.

• I’m a little dysfunctional, you’re the problem. Please don’t awaken me, and I’m that way cause back in the day, most have forsaken me.
• “
  People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
  A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
  A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life.
  ————-This bothers me because it’s not sited correctly. Although this is one of my favorite passages in the book, LIZ did not say this. DAVID FROM TEXAS did… okay goodnight
  “
  Eat, Pray, Love. Elizabeth Gilber
  ”
• Its funny .. It takes more energy to text rather than call.  So, when people claim “i’m too lazy to call” its a lie.  Something else is clearly stopping them from making that call.  Whatever the reason may be, they are masking it with the stupid excuse of “i’m lazy”
• My motivation: Picturing myself driving my dope ass Lancer w/ some bangin speakers playing my jams.  Confident and knowing I have all th
• 
  

Some things in my draft folder i never sent to twitter.. because i have my reasons. Either they were too long or other reasons.

• Late night phone calls that contain amazing conversations til' the early morn'..  Too bad no one has the time or the convenience for that anymore
• Gonna push it to the limit give me more.
• Ah.. music just gets me to my happy place. no matter what genre
• I love my family and my brother<3 yes, you're good enough to deserve the title
• let's Kinect! ;)
• I'm torn between choosing Chicago and LA as my #1 favorite city
• I like being busy. It keeps me on my toes and i never get tired
• I always just wanna burst out at random times and dance & sing.. even in public :x
• I feel special when someone attepts to express how much they genuinely love the way i THINK.. how my mind works
• Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none
• Sleep is so precious. i will try to never miss an opportunity again.
• "remember the magic in our lives"
• "i swear there si an angel missing from heaven tonight and that angel is mine" awwh! cuutes (: from Briahn's song.
• Itching to get out of this boring area/place
• lmao Briahn: "Hi i just called again to wish you a happy Racist Friday"
• overheard someone on a phone call "hey are you around? cause i'm around" lol wtf
• let me love you acoustic <3
• It is what it is
• 
  

I really need to step up my game so much in math.. >_< i embarrass myself..

i love how Big Bang's(and Tae Yang) music videos always have a GOOD story line that's easy to understand.. even though i don't know Korean, i know what the song is about cause of the music video.

WOOOOWW... she married the cock block.. just.. WOW.

Tae Yang's haircut really bugs me haha