updated: I just want everything to go back to normal.(updated a little 11/05)

"you can call me selfish, but all i want is your love. You can call me foolish, but i'm foolishly in love with you"

How do we solve this?
How did it ever get like this?
When will things get fixed?
What does the future hold?
i'm getting wrinkles from this.. stayin up all night.


All i can really say is: A smart girl really knows whats going on.  Its sad when people don't know when they are getting hit on.  Girls can be very bitter.   They can be nice to men but fake and ugly to a girl's face.  Just sayin' there are those type of situations and girls.  Guys think some girls are have good intentions when they can be like guys too y'know.  Or those "i secretly like you but you have a girlfriend/boyfriend" type. Whatever. i'll just ignore my gut/brain/emotions right now. i gotta distract myself. I trust you


I am Jessica and lately i feel like a douche.  my weakest moment. I feel like i just found the hidden monster within me.  i Don't like admitting i'm jealous or upset, or complaining.  makes me feel like i'm a big fucking baby. But truthfully, i just wanna fix certain things because there are things that are wrong.


This is my fault too.
Also you(no you cj) got into my head so fast, so quickly.  I allowed you to ruin my brain.  Allowed myself to believe every foolish assumption i have would be right.
Well now i just feel like the worst fucking girlfriend in the world because i let my emotions and problems get in the way of your fun time. i'm sorry.  I'm just saying lets fix our problems first ASAP before so can we have fun.  All i can say now is that we both can learn a few things from this and this will make us stronger.  There are some things we can't take back and i'm truly sorry for that.

• Never assume. Assuming is completely different from listening to your heart/gut.
• Voice out my thoughts
• ALWAYS mind&think of my motives before i say or do something
• Not to put my feelings first all the time
• be more considerate
• don't be selfish..

ALRIGHT these things are true in general.. but it wasn't mostly my fault.. i know that for a fact and i will stand by it.  I might play along to make it easier on everyone else, but if the subject is brought up, i will stand strong by my beliefs.

• “He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry. He’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy who is perfect for you.”

  — Bob Marley
  

Me and Jlao's anthem of the night.

Unpleasant feelings

"although i'm dancing with her, i'll never kiss anyone besides you"

That was the start of me getting ticked off.

STFU.

Its not just that, i trust you not to kiss anyone. anyone can accomplish that.

Its the thought of you touching another girl. Sharing an intimate moment with her.. especially when its on a regular basis..

And now shes all up on... nvm. -_-

am i just trippin? perhaps. but it still doesn't make me feel comfortable.
It wasn't her that ticked me off the most, it was you.  It ticked me off cause you really didn't get it.

Let me give you an advice: Ever heard of the phrase "when guys get jealous its cute but when girls get jealous its about to be WW3"? That phrase is very true. Even if she might now show it, its WW3 in her heart&mind. Make damn sure that you introduce your girlfriend to not only your friends, but especially the ones who are girls or get to know. This will ease the tension a little or maybe a lot. It depends.  This also helps not make your girlfriend/boyfriend feel like an outsider when she's around your friends. Usually when a guy doesn't introduce his girl to another girl thats his friend, he's hiding something.. yea he probably forgot but still. Girls will not understand how the fuck you could forget such an important factor. If that doesn't happen; everything is awkward.  And who knows, maybe You're friend and your girlfriend will end up being friends!

This also goes for girls.
Girls, whatever emotions you feel, remember that a guy can also feel the same way.  You may think that guys don't feel jealous or insecure or etc. ever, just because they don't show it or say it, doesn't mean they don't feel it/think about it.

I'll edit this more after i finish my math assignment

Ugh i really should NOT be telling a blog all this but ..

God, some things are wrong.. but nothing is perfect. the flaws are what makes it worth it.. the feeling after you get through a fight is a beautiful feeling.

I need someone(you) to talk to, who just wont listen, but talk back and discuss with me.  Not respond with just Smileys and short text messages.  Sometimes, i just wanna take your time to just talk.  Rant with you, listen to you, discuss things, talk about nonsense.  I wanna feel important enough to take your time to simply just do that.  Spending time or lending her your ears, voice and mind is the best thing you can give to a girl.
Its pathetic how i must rely on a blog to release the thoughts in my head.

Facebook Quizes

I AM A BLUE

BLUES are motivated by intimacy. They seek opportunities to genuinely connect with other and need to be understood and appreciated. Everything they do is quality-based. They are loyal friends, employers and employees. Whatever or whomever they commit to is their sole (and soul) focus. They love to serve and give freely of themselves in order to nurture others' lives. BLUES have distinct preferences and are the most controlling personality. Their code of ethics is remarkably strong and they expect others to live honest, committed lives as well. They enjoy sharing meaningful moments in conversation as well as rememebring special life events (i.e. birthdays and anniversaries). BLUES are dependable, thoughtful, analytical and can be self-righteous, worry-prone and moody. They are like "sainted pit-bulls" who never let go of something or someone once they are committed. When you deal with a BLUE, be sincere and make a genuine effort to understand and appreciation.

YOU ARE ALTAIR/EZIO

You are a quiet assassin that is passionate about his order. You come from a long ancestral group that kill in quiet ways. You will not show your face to anyone but trusted individuals. BTW, you have a lot of friends just like you.

GRYFFINDOR

"You might belong in Gryffindor, Where dwell the brave at heart, Their daring, nerve and chivalry, Set Gryffindors apart." - The Sorting Hat. You have been properly sorted into Gryffindor. The colors of Scarlet and Gold as well as the elemental of Fire represent you best. The hat sees leadership qualities, greatness, enthusiasm, and idealism within your heart. The factor that one can attribute to a Gryffindor is their heart, which is often used before the mind. You are indeed a noble wizard.

What kind of girlfriend/boyfriend are you?

Jessica got Marriage Material.

You are worth the ring! Your marriage will last a lifetime when you chose the right one. He/she will apreciate and adore you!

ENVY

You have the desire for other people's traits, status, abilities, or situation. Envy is linked with the dog and the color green. Your punishment in Hell: You will be put in freezing water.

ZEUS (GOD OF THE SKIES/KING GOD)

You are smart, and strong. You are a leader. You aim to be true and right in whatever you do. You enjoy the Skies.

An interview with Chris LOL some things we discussed out of the millions of things lol Also some questions i left unanswered or just remember

Chris: People have fucked you over so many times. You needa have higher standards!

Me:I think that I actually have high standards that are hard to meet so i tend to compromise a bit.. because i do realize that my standards are just ridiculously high. However, it'd be nice if certain things do meet those expectations.

Maybe i should just stop expecting altogether...hmm....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chris: wow there was a 7.7 earthquake in Indonesia on my Birthday! that sucks.

Me: I guess you just.. *sunglasses* .. rock their world!

hahaha

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chris: What IS a boyfriend to you?

Me: Obviously, they are attracted to each other. So much that they are willing to commit to be in a relationship together not only to get to know each other even more, but also so they know that they have each other only for themselves. They want to see if this relationship works for the good or the worst, and if not, they break it off. Above all things, they must stay Honest, Loyal and Communicate thoroughly and comfortably.

I believe that you should not have a 'confidant' outside of the relationship. It subconsciously tells the mind that its alright not to tell your boyfriend/girlfriend all the anger/things/problems that are on your mind therefore missing the point of communication.

They are all these things not because they HAVE to, but because they WANT to be.

they also must NEVER forget how to be friends/best friends

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

sexual inuendos from words worded wrong lmao

-----------------------------

Chris: What do you like in a guy?

I honestly...hmmm... to summarize it..

I guess i have a thing for guys who play video games and can dance and perhaps like to sing. Someone funny who likes talking to me and we can always have interesting conversations and joke around. Someone who will not only have fun just sitting around with me, but also going out and doing simple things like working out, video games, sports, etc. Someone who's comfortable to talk to me about whatever, whenever even guy talk(He can even tell me who he thinks is pretty) i've been through guy talk before -__- maybe not that harsh but i've been there. S'what i get for having more guy friends that girls but i don't mind. Just.. spit it out of yo mouth, don't hold it in :D talk about it wif me.

Someone who will allow me to be independent but at the same time help and advice me. He is be my confidant.  Also, someone who works hard too. He can get off his butt and doing something instead of lounging around 24/7.

Someone i don't have to talk to 24/7 just to feel secure enough to know that i'm the only one their heart and mind desire. Someone who will not only lust for me like most guys will, but someone who cherishes my presence enough in their life that they will never tire of trying to get to know me. After all, we are all constantly changing at this stage in our life so you can never get to know someone completely.

Dream guy? i use to fantasize of one when when i was younger but seriously, where would you find that guy? Only in my dreams because never did i dream of him acquiring deceitful features.

ANYWAY;

P90X less intense version here we come! i'll stop though once i feel like i'm getting TOO buff lol Hopefully this will help me get stronger AND gain weight. The stronger i am physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally, the more independent i become. <3

WE WANNA GO TO SHOOTING RANGE BUT ITS 30-40 DOWLAH PP. ):):
and Ice skating is too far from Fullerton to go on Wednesdays

I want to dance with you

Dance. Let the moment fill me up inside. Fill me up with butterflies and joy, not only because i enjoy dancing, but i'm dancing with a handsome and brilliant gentleman such as yourself. I like sharing this intimate moment with you.. perhaps because it doesn't happen that often, either way, it still gives me butterflies and i always cherish those moments

LAST

1. Last place you went?
Monsantos house last night for Chris's birthday! :D

2. Last person to text you/ text someone?
Tweet from FullColl

3. Last person you spoke to?
Mom

4. Last song you listened to?
The business - Yung Berg ft. Casha

5. Last kiss?
CJB <3

6. Last thing you said on IM?
"is he still in the bboy crew?" LOL i fell asleep

7. Last hug?
Last night.

8. Last cry?
Last week? or the week before that or the week before that one.

9. Last thing you ate / drank?
water & Korean food last night. NOMNOMNOM. i love everything Korea

10. Last thing you downloaded?
songs

WHEN

1. Did you start drinking? HM! idk but i don't drink anymore. i only had that phase for 6 months or so.

2. Did you have your first crush?
1st grade! Hello Arnold Salas the second LOL chinky ass muthafucka. He was kinda a bully to me just cause everyone was ): idk i guess i had a crush on him because he was cute and i cherished the few times he was a kind gentleman to me when no one else was around to see that he wasn't really a bully, that he was a sweet person. Oh the peer pressure in the P.i. with kids

3. Was the last time you said I love you?
last night

4. Did you first kiss someone ?
anyone? when i was a baby. i kissed my family on the cheek

boy? HMM.. 7th grade? lol but i never did all that make out stuff til...

5. Did you realize that things need to change?
many times ever since i was little.

6. Was the last time you smoked?
never

7. Was the last time you got butterflies?
..IDK! ):

8. Was the last time you were angry with someone?
at myself Saturday

9. Was the last time you had alcohol in your system?
i think Mindo's birthday dinner

10. Was the last time you swore?
Saturday

11. Was the last time you smiled?
last night

12. Was the last time you hated someone?
not in a long time. if i don't like them i just choose to stop talking to them so i don't have to deal with their foolishness lol

WHY

1. Did you last cry?
thoughts about my momma.

2. Did you last laugh ?
picture i saw this morning. But Sunday i constantly kept laughing to myself cause of the people i was talking to. I wonder if my mom thought i was weird haha

3. Do you think you are the way you are?
cuz the people in my life affect who i am today

4. Are you feeling the way you are right now?
because things must change.

5. Are you doing this?
idk LOL i got shit to do. i just like surveys

New level of growth

• idk when i fell asleep last night. i only reember waking up and feeling like i've slept for days when really, it was only a few hours

• Sad to say i am throwing away my cute froggy underwear. there is a monstrous hole in it. WHY oh why do i keep getting holes in my pants and my unmentionables in the crotch area -_- maybe cause i don't wear shorts when i stretch? but why do my undies do that -_- i don't think i laundry them properly ): oh well.
• I'M NOCTURNAL now. i feel indifferent about it.
• I am falling in love with the book the Scarlet Pimpernel

anyways; before this week, i have lost sight of the morals and values i live by. I have not been myself lately and this week i'm trying to turn it all around again. Because it does not feel good to be this person that i previously was for a short period of time. I know that if i continue to live in this personality, i wont succeed in life nor will i be happy. My mind is seething for excitement, success, happiness within myself, and i can find that not only in myself but also others and all this world has for me. I must make peace with myself, at least temporarily til' i get out of here. The world is just teasing me through my hopes and dreams and unfortunately, i cant accomplish any of it without money which i do not carry at all whatsoever. So i am more determined now more than ever to save as much money as i can.

I know that i don't talk to certain people enough so here i am trying. but quite frankly, if i get in touch with certain people to talk and catch up with right now it would be strange cause in the past i've only shared a mere hello and goodbye and maybe a small talk or two. But i did have intentions to be closer to them, only that i never saw them after our small talk/group conversation.

AHHH!
i cant wait for:web cam parties were planning out
: me and Jackie are planning out a game night that will take place in two weeks

i HATE being a girl sometimes

Hate getting all moody and shit and getting your period. And all the other perks that come along with hormones.

"I hate having insecurities.

Because with all these insecurities follows trust issues, jealousy, secure-less, guards/walls up. Did I miss anything else? I’m so complicated, why -_-?" -ashleywhy:

don't like being complicated; but i am.

Today i've been thinking about the reasons behind my actions.

Also, i've realized that wherever i go i feel awkward and shy. How did i grow to be this person? I don't like it.

gonna change. i GOT TO change. -__________________-

i keep telling myself this but why is it so hard. i did it before, why cant i now?

must.. try.. HARDER

I guess its true when they say "you are your own worst enemy"

right now i don't feel worthy. GOD i hope i feel much better tomorrow.

Just gave myself a back massage.. but i cant reach the middle of my back ):

Today i am going to help myself to some homework and perhaps a little anthro. Then wonder off to Mervin's. Hope it will be a good day.

I love being home alone, blasting the music and carelessly walking/dancing around in just my bra and underwear. I can't wait til' i get my own place and do this whenever i want, close my door and have some privacy and do whatever else i CAN do in a normal house.

i love my kuya DannMartz. were the most similar i think and DJ.. so far out of my cousins

were conjuring up a devious plan for monday. he's halfway around the world but i hope we'll be close enough to hang out often soon. He'd be the perfect big brother for me.

Makes me happy just talking to him

rant rant rant

• i like friends who want to get to know me better and spend more time
• i like friends who remember what i like and stuff
• i like people who don’t take me for granted
• i like having meaningful conversations
• i like people who teach me/show me new things
• i like people who motivate/help me to achieve my goals & aspirations
• i like people who respect me. When they do, i respect them back.
• i like feeling like a kid again. carefree and shit. especially when i get a happy meal, do kiddy stuff, etc.
• i like going on adventures and doing stupid shit with people just cause its fun/funny
• i like hanging out even if it simply means sitting and having a conversation
• i like eating out with friends
• i like joking around with people
• i like people who keep their word
• i like sleeping in the car on road trips
• i like singing in the shower
• i like meeting new people as well as getting to know them

i’m thankful for:

• God
• the gift of life
• an education
• opportunities
• mother
• grandparents & grandaunts&uncles
• family who care enough to K.I.T. and care
• friends especially the thoughtful ones and actually make an effort to K.I.T.
• experiences & life lessons it taught me
• good health (i hope i still have that)
• being unique
• CirJeffrey Lalota Baldomero

I don’t like it when:

• i am rushed. I am constantly rushed by my mother and she rushes me so much, that i pace back and forth confused of what to do first: brush my teeth, get my shit together, do my hair, change, eat, etc. she commands me to do too many things at once. cmon woman, there is only ONE me; if you needed more shit done, maybe you should have had more of me. It would help me cope with loneliness here in this house.
• people take me for granted
• people lie to my face
• don’t keep their word
• people respond with 2 - 3 letter answers or even just 3 words or don’t even respond at all.
• people are rude
• people step on my shoes ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE NEW. like wtf, you can obviously tell they are new, there is more reason to watch out for it.
• people don’t meet me halfway on things
• i have to constantly remind the person til they get it / remember it. Like wtf i know you ain’t THAT stupid.
• people cant take a joke.
• i word something wrong and the person takes it the wrong way -_- my bad
• i start being immature
• people answer me in a rude way/ RUDE PEOPLE
• songs are overplayed

i’m sorry for:

• being too shy; not speaking my mind enough
• not having enough self esteem & courage & for being to insecure at times
• not opening up enough?
• for not living in the moment enough
• not controlling my emotions enough
• not believing enough
• not studying enough
• not choosing the right words when i speak
• neglecting my goals
• for procrastinating on things
• not keeping my word sometimes, when i should. i’m a hypocrite on this part. cause i do tend to procrastinate and eventually forget and it bugs me when people don’t keep their word. It causes me to trust them less next time.
• being distracted
• being forgetful
• being an air head at times
• being clumsy
• if i get selfish sometimes. sometimes even jealous. ( real mature right?)
• having a foul mouth
• having health problems/not taking care of my body as much as i should
• not being “smooth” with conversation
• for not knowing things cause i don’t watch t.v. often or cause i grew up in the P.I. or because i don’t watch enough movies or play enough games
• not being smart enough
• for not always being ‘classy’ and dressing like it 24/7
• for not always being a ‘proper lady’ 24/7
• not having enough money
• not seizing every opportunity i have/had
• the way i talk.. i'm workin on that
• not having perfect posture anymore ): my back always hurts.. i need a nice LONG massage
• every flaw i have. But no one is perfect

i’m working on me, every single day.. and progress comes each day passes

I am mature but sometimes everyone gets immature feelings/thoughts, etc.

"Guys say they want a girl who is real. but when she tells you everything straight you can’t handle how blunt she is. so you call her a “bitch”, and say she’s too controlling. if you can’t handle the heat, stop making excuses and get out of the fuckin’ kitchen"

These type of people ruined me.

I started gettin’ real w/ them then they complain and stop talkin’ to me. You wanted me to be real and tell the truth and be all up front right? then stop bein’ a baby. i hate it when that happens.One of the reasons i keep things to myself.

I also hate it when people are lying to my face just so they don't hurt my feelings. I'd rather have someone tell it to me straight and be honest rather than lying to my face. Thats just worse.

Honesty is very important.

HE IS..

Those guys that have that humble demeanor about him. With that “I don’t give a fuck” attitude, but without all the flashy things. None of that “I’m down for my shit” shit, because if he was really down, people would know it. He wouldn’t need to let strangers know how he handles his business, because it’s none of theirs.(sexy)

If I was approached by someone and he was really polite, like “Hey, my name is so-and-so and I would really like to get to know you,” I would definitely think “Damn, this guy is fly.” Versus the typical “Aye ma, you fine. I wanna know you,” and then he would proceed to stare at you like you’re some type of meat.( shows they are polite and a gentleman, not rude. Also shows they are brave and outgoing)

I like knowing that my guy’s been through some struggles. I like even more when he embraces those struggles and knows that they’ve only made him a stronger person and a better man. He isn’t bitter about any past relationships and doesn’t bring any of that past baggage into his future ones.(show's he's a strong individual and has enough drive to work hard and have a much brighter future. He knows exactly what to become which is a better person. ..Don't like them spoiled ninjas. They think they can get whatever they want in life.)

A guy who has goals and ambition. Not for nothing, if he didn’t finish his education I like seeing that he’s not sitting on his ass waiting for good luck to come to him. I like guys who make their own luck, and fight for what they know they deserve.(shows they are hard workers and see a brighter future. they know that not everything just comes to you, you gotta make things happen. Not lazy.)

I like guys who give respect and earns his own. He respects his elders and he loves his mom and even if he didn’t have the perfect childhood, he still believes in giving a better one to his future family. I like him family oriented. No matter how much he loves me, i will always want him to put his family first.

Those guys who give off a certain sex appeal. When you look at him, you wonder why he’s so damn attractive, because he’s not the guy crackin’ jokes across the room, or the guy showing his moves on the dance floor, or that guy with the gorgeous smile and nice clothes.

He’s just him.
low-key sexy guy.
I like him. (:

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

i got that shit from someone's blog but i added the 3 little sentences at the end.. I totally agree with all of that up there.

I also like it when people get all lyrical describing someone (: maybe thats also why i like rap/underground hip hop. Not only how rappers describe life but also the person they like/love

Damn straight. NEVER take anything for granted

“ Don’t ever let a girl’s efforts for you end in vain. If you love her, take note of the little things she does. When she lets you see her without her makeup, when she brings you your favorite food or drink just because, when she whines softly that she’s cold or that she wants a kiss, when she runs her fingers through your hair. There are probably a million other things she’ll do for you because she loves you, because she wants to, and she will never ask for your acknowledgment of them; but understand that one day she may feel unappreciated, unloved; neglected by your lack of gratitude towards these little things, and may stop. Remember all the reasons why you love her, and remember to appreciate them. You know that saying, you never know what you had until it’s gone. Don’t take her love for granted.”

Confidence. Some have it, some lack it, some need it. Where confidence is absent, insecurities conquer.. and we all know being insecure isn’t cute, if anything, it can make the world’s prettiest girl look like… a monster.

The only way gain confidence is to stop looking at your surroundings and focus on you. Stop comparing yourself to others and everything and focus on how to be the best, be different, unique, and all those other cute words you aim to be. Focus on how to get there. You comparing yourself to your boyfriend’s ex girlfriend or the girl on the magazine is cheating. You’re cheating yourself by making yourself feel bad and making this whole process longer than it has to be. Do you really wanna be your boyfriend’s ex girlfriend? (pun intended) He’s not with her for a reason - that’s cause he’s doing better, he’s doing you. (pun intended, again) Do you really wanna be that girl in the magazine? Don’t you wanna be yourself and be MADhella good at it? Fuck the rest, I say!

You gotta stop thinkin’ about others are gonna think/say. Who the fuck are they? They ain’t payin’ your bills, putting food on your table. They ain’t there listenin’ to you yap about how your life sucks. If they’re not supporting you or making you happy in any way, cross ‘em off your list. I only have 4 ride or die bitches, and the others I keep at a distance.

Eating bitches for breakfast is all about prioritizing your shit - the confidence will come by itself. Get your shit straight - literally. What do you want to accomplish - for yourself? Do what you gotta do to make that happen. Once you accomplish that, relax and take on another challenge. It’s all about making yourself better - all by yourself - with no one’s help. You must stay hungry. It’s survival of the fittest - and you will not lose. Trust, once you accomplish one of your goals, you’re gonna feel soo good about yourself and from then on, you’re gonna stay hungry for that feeling of accomplishment. Never let that feeling go. Always look out for yourself and for the ones you love.

In conclusion, it’s all about not giving a shit about others and it’s all about getting yours. Stop comparing yourself others - but if you must, compare yourself to others and how you can be better than them - without getting in the way of their grind. Never get in the way of someone’s grind, and no one will get in the way of yours. And all that drama bullshit? Dust that shit out the window. Don’t stress over frail shit, that’ll only make ‘em wrinkles come sooner than they’re supposed to. Don’t get mad, get better… and most of all.

Don’t be bitter, stay sweet.

There's a lot of things i'm worried about

Health

• back pains ruin my day
• breasts.. i don't want to say exactly what it is cause it could be serious
• Lactose Intolevrant. I miss eating things..

Relationships:

• MHM...

Future:

• E V E R Y T H I N G.. i still don't know which subject i want to study in the health department. And how i am going to take these side hip hop & art classes. Yup! i might actually do art.. maybe
• i want to learn how to cook more things.. i jsut need money and ingredients
• MONEY MONEY MONEY. money rules everything around me unfortunately. You can't do anything in this world without money.

Wednesday100610

• Dilemmas, dilemmas. didn't get enough sleep
• Late once again to Math. Stupid traffic!
• SI was pretty fun. team "we're thinking!" lol -_- Me and Melody creep'd out of class asap haha
• Rounded up for Steph's 19th birthday Lunch & mall outing
• Mark(not Maio) was a Rainier look-a-like haha. i have to show him a pic. one of these days
• Islands! yummy place. Halfed a burger with David since it was endless fries anyways. Got Steph. that birthday cake :)
• Brea Mall
• Math Lab
• Anthro. discussed the many types of marriage and family in different cultures and the different process. bombed our midterm -_- which is why i recently started studying ahead and i'm going to start making flash cards and doing my papers waaay ahead of time.
• sat @ zee ML w/ mark for 2 minutes haha
• CB playlist
• my mom was telling me about her dream last night.. about me as a baby, her and someone else. we were driving in a van on a very steep road and our van was BARELY staying in because if we just slip up once, we will fall and die. people started coming our way so we had to start walking. She would let me walk ahead(idk how i can since i was a baby) and we had to concentrate on staying on. I think this is a metaphor for our life. Our life is the steep road and if we can't slip or else we will fall. Our life we've had to stay strong and make sure we stay on top of things so that we can survive.
• I love my friends.. very much.

My socks were drenched in water and i couldn't change it til an hour ago. disgusting! Probably why my feet hurt.

My back is hurting 24/7.

No matter now much fun i had today, i'm sad.

She’s always joking around and being silly even when the odds are against her. She’s always making me laugh.. of course when she’s not busy nagging me about stuff i already know lol I wish she’d just spend more time with me, instead of spending time with her soaps.. but thats what makes her happy!

“There is no greater love than a mother’s love”

She’s my inspiration, my angel. No she wasn’t also a dad. You know who was? LIFE. Life was my father. Life taught me how to pick myself off the ground and try again. Life taught me what to believe in. Life taught me most things. But the things that life didn’t teach me, my mom did.

I don’t want to realize how much a person means to me when its too late..

No one lives forever, everyone’s days are numbered but you never know when God will want you back. So i urge you to go out and live life to the fullest, appreciate and never take anything for granted. Treat others how you would want to be treated. Remember that there is a reason for things in life and be understanding and patient. When one door closes, another door opens. When you fall, simply get back up and try again.

“You are not an accident. Your parents may not have planned you, but God did. He wanted you alive and created you for a purpose. Focusing on yourself will never reveal your purpose. You were made by God and for God, and until you understand that, life will never make sense. Only in God do we discover our origin, our identity, our meaning, our purpose, our significance, and our destiny.”


— This means a lot especially for someone like me. all my life everyone around me has made me feel like am a huge fucking accident. I’ve been moving because i’m such a huge weight on everyone’s shoulders but in reality, they just don’t have a big enough heart. the story of my mom’s pregnancy proved to me that i was never really meant to be born. My father didn’t want me to be born because of commitment; i was the reason they broke up (but i was a good thing cause he was cheating on her anyway -__-). The doctors and my family also didn’t want me to be born because my mother would have died giving birth to me at such an old age(43). The only person who really fought for me to be alive was my mother and my grandmother. Thankfully, God gave us a miracle, my mother lived and i was born a healthy baby. I love my mom. Yeah, shes a noob and things, she’s very forgetful, her voice gets really loud and annoying, she cant walk far, her judgement is getting a tad worse; it all gets worse everyday. I love her so much and it just makes me cry because all this makes me realize that she is getting old. I have never pictured my mother getting older. I’ve always pictured her to be the young, lively person she’s been before. She pisses me off so much, but whenever i look at her i am happy that she is my mother. I couldn’t have a better mother in the world. A lot of shit has happened in the past but she still manages to cheer herself up and to stay happy. It just pains me so much to realize that one day she will be gone. I’m thankful each day that God brought her back to life a few years ago. She died for a couple of minutes but that God that he brought my dear guardian angel back. All the medication she’s been taking and the drugs that they gave her in the hospital are whats causing her to loose her memory and stuff. I honestly don’t know what i would do without her. She couldn’t have raised a more proud, strong, and intelligent daughter. I just wish she wasn’t so negative about life.God gave my mother two second chances at living and i’m extremely thankful for that. My mom is going to have to undergo another surgery within the next 5 years or so. I hope God gives her another chance at staying alive..