This time, i'll be bulletproof

Never will i allow myself to fall apart again. Cause if i do, that shit becomes a chain reaction and i don't want any negative chain reaction.

New Years Resolutions down to the littlest of things

• Take better care of myself, my body

1. take better care for my skin again
2. Work out daily
3. Eat Healthier
4. actually make doctor & dentist appointments by myself and not depend on my mom (because she never does it. she always "postpones" and ends up not setting them up when i've really been needing them lately)
5. never be too tired or fall asleep before i wash my face&brush my teeth
6. more naps? God knows, i need to take it easy on myself sometimes.

• More financially stable & independent
1. jobjobjobjob
2. Lancer by December or pay off all my mom's debt.. if i have a job :x
• More love

1. more time for friends & family than this year..
2. more new friends
3. continue to not take things for granted 
4. keep in touch with people
5. even more outgoing & friendlier

• Better academically

1. Better grades
2. read books
3. start painting again
4. less procrastination & laziness
5. speak up in class

• even less procrastination & laziness
• Don't look back
• good posture
• speak up
• even better time management. Never leave a chance for boredom to take control of my time
• More aware of my surroundings & what i say
• blog about each day and have a picture from that day to go along with it. yup tha's right.. 365 day challenge.. again.

• bring back some of that confidence i use to have and then some
• Stay organized. always put things in the right place (so i wont have to constantly organize&clean up too much)
• more optimism
• be not afraid.. of anything (at least most things)
• try more new things
• more adventures/travel more
• less twitter action, more blogspot

classier, stronger, better me


but really though, i don't need a brand new year to change. i can change any day that i want.  I've actually been doing some of my new years resolutions already for a while and its working!  I just thought i'd list them and more for the new year.

The sun is finally out

I'm @ my boyfriend's house watching Psych as he sleeps
as amazing & unbelievably comfy as this is, i wanna go out and enjoy the great outdoors.
my muscles need to move, need some fresh air
MO' LATER

Today @ home i am going to:

• work out
• gift wrap
• repaint nails
• organize
• DREAM
• possibly paint...
• BLOG
• to do lists & grocery lists definitely help

I'M EXCITED FOR MY LIFE

• I'm thinkin' bout layering my hair a tad. It's getting weighed down
• I have a lot to say i'm just too lazy and no time to lay it all down into words

i want a better life, better friends, a better me. I've been trying so hard, why is it not working?

• electronics or new wardrobe or ukulele & paint or plane tickets/gas money
• Stay livin in SoCal or live in Chicago
• College in SoCal or Chicago or East Coast or Europe
oh the possibilities are endless! do i dare? To be honest:
• I'd rather be alone than have crappy friends.  I need to make better ones by the way
• I don't like majority of the friends i made in high school. I hated my high school
Pointers
• I crave adventure, the arts, the music, the fun
• thinking about deleting twitter..
• It'd be cool to have a full functional family, a father figure, and a stable, happy home where my friends are always welcome.
• It's definitely true that it's better not to have a twitter of tumblr of blog..because when you're in a conversation with someone, sometimes you just tend to pour everything out on a blog that you have nothing to say or talk about anymore..  but i only do it for myself.  I do it for reference and to get everything out.  Idc if people judge or read my shit, if they still  wanna talk to me, then that's when i know they're still interested in being my friend and not reading just cause they're curious

dat ish me :) i'm proud of myself for doing that

I wish all the oceans in the world were this blue and clear

REALLY WANT SOME'A THEZE

and them Van's w/ the Nike Logo on the sides >B)

Dear Lord help me wash the demons out

LOVE it.  I actually want this played at my funeral one day O_O


Today; i was a terrible person. Why?

• Accidentally stole from CVS.
• Didn't sleep enough lately nor am i healthy which is causing me not to pay full attention to my everyday shenanigans.
• ASDFGHJKL; goodness i need to shut my mouth sometimes.  The things i mean to say don't come out and the things i DON'T mean to say are the ones that do come out..
• r diupgybfvdsgerp`io[uckbj fmd0univjkh
• thinking too much.. AGAIN. -__- my period must be comin'  ):
• Lost my card.. STUPID STUPID ME.
• constantly calling BOA to report this emergency and not being helped led me to take out my frustration on the lady on the other line constantly telling me to call back after 3 hours.  Very wrong because it wasn't her fault at all and whenever Ben does this, i always think its ridiculous and unnecessary.  But now look what i've done.  I've done the exact thing that i despise.  Also, i was just thinking today, 'I like giving strangers smiles or small greetings because sometimes, something that small can make their day.  They might have a rough day or a rough life and i can just put a spark and give them hope.  I know that when people do that to me, the little things they do make my day so i'll do the same'   This totally disregarded that decision. -____- 

What a day to bring out the evil monster in me.  God is seriously challenging me and i have failed..
I know you might think this is a little ridiculous to make a big deal out of these little mistakes but its a big deal to me because i'm trying so hard to be the best person that i am but today was a reminder that i'm not that good.  I still have evil demons within me and i have failed at washing that away.  I do realize we are all still sinners regardless of how much we try.  I'm okay with the little sins that i don't even notice but the mistakes i made today, just made me realize i'm not trying hard enough. i'm still unconscious the little things i do.
Lesson learned:  Anger and frustration leads to nowhere.  It affects your judgement so that you do thing and say things you don't mean to say or do.  But sadly, you can never take that back once you've done it.  So when i'm angry, i'm going to refrain from people or talking at least.  until i sleep it off or work out til' i get over it. I need to watch what i say even more.

I shouldn’t worry about how these brothers treat their women,
But I do, because I too, have been affected by the sins of a fuck nigga,
The fuck nigga moves in quietly, crafty like a killer, 
Aiming for her heart, then she bleeds when he pulls the trigger,
Its a fact that every time a fuck nigga survives, 
The chances for a good dude to find love slowly but surely dies,
Because you changed her, she’s gone and no one heard her cries,
Now she refuses to let a good guy in no matter how hard he tries,
So fuck nigga understand the ramifications of your actions,
You’ve sent a good girl to a place where she cannot come back from, 
To a place where she can’t love, so she ignores good chemistry,
To a place where there is no trust and every nigga is her enemy, 
To a place of cynicism where she lacks the confidence, 
In the sincerity of a brother who delivers her a compliment. 
She thinks that it is a ploy to get between her legs, 
So she turns their words against them and says they’re playing with her head, 
Even when he treats her well she says, “All guys are good in the beginning”,
She’s put up this wall to her heart and he continues digging,
But he feel there’s no chance of winning; he just don’t know what to do, 
But he realized she’s not the issue, the problem lies with you,
I shouldn’t worry about how these brothers treat their women,
But I do, because I too, have been affected by the sins of a fuck nigga, 
A fuck nigga by my definition is not the dude who sleeps around,
It’s the type who tells a girl he loves her just so he can pound,
That shit drives me crazy; I swear that I could to lose it, 
Next time someone says “I love you” try telling them to prove it,
‘Cause now he’s looking stupid, he’s giving her his all, 
Doing all the right things, but he’s still behind this wall, 
Not a wall of bricks, or steel, or wood, these things can be battered, 
I’m speaking of a wall of pain and frustration, and a heart that has been shattered,
And the pieces can’t be gathered, she is lost to the world, 
She’ll never give her all again; he’s settling for half the girl, 
I shouldn’t worry about how these brothers treat their women,
But I do, because I too, have been affected by the sins of a fuck nigga. 
The realization I’ve come to terms with is alarming yet insightful, 
There is not a “fuck nigga gene” I believe that it is a cycle, 
A fuck nigga hurts a good girl, the good girl shuts down her feelings,
A good dude comes along, but she’s too far gone for healing, 
So the good dude in all his pain, placed in a bad position, 
Gives up being good, and HE becomes a fuck nigga, 
So it’s an endless cycle, don’t let it happen to you, 
Let a good guy in, or he might become a fuck nigga soon…

http://vimeo.com/16767406

Let me take a break right now from my 30 day challenge cause this is just as good


This video of my cousin’s wedding brought a tear to my eye. Why? because it just reminds me how much i really miss my family. Its so lonely when you don’t really have any family here.. family as in first cousins instead of distant relatives who you rarely see. It just reminds me how much i’m missing out on their lives. I miss the days when i was so little and innocent and they were all around me so conveniently. IF i have a debut when i’m 21, i’d definitely have it in the Philippines. or if i don’t have a debut, i’d just spend my money being there and spending it with them, doing things. I’d rather spend as much time as i can with my family rather than the friends in my life who just come and go. Its amazing how much support they can give me from halfway around the world, and from Chicago. I love them. I’m quite lonely without them.(in a family sense, you know you need family) I love them & care for them SO much. I just wish all of us can live here. Life is beautiful yet so unfair.

I miss the goofy way we all make each other smile and laugh. The things we do when we hang out. The way we think and I miss our talks and weekly outings! I miss family time every Sunday. The way we always find a way to just ignore the bad times, and let the good times roll. There was never any drama. We are naturally cheerful, happy people. I miss everything about us.

And the last song wasn’t even helping. It just made me cry even more as i spotted my family members one by one.

I don’t like admitting i cried, but i did :x
i’m sensitive when it comes to my family. They're my soft spot

Need 4 Speed

today i drove out of the driveway and into St. Lorenzo, back to the residential area around Creekside.
Then went back to St. Lorenzo. talked to Mama Mary. It was refreshing and so peaceful. i'd definitely wake up early in the morning and take a drive there just for that. definitely better than mass)  Anyway; on i went to go to Albertsons and then back home (:

fell asleep at the beach in Hawaii, woke up in my uncomfortable SoCal room

My weight has been dropping rapidly.
I need to go to the doctor
My mom needs to hurry up on that Health Insurance. -__- its been going on and off for 2 years now.
I need to get new glasses too.

theres so many things wrong with me medically, i’m worried..

On a brighter note;

Reunion with the homie Darren! :D  (upload pictures later)

and Briahn sang me his original songs on video cam (: I've promised Briahn that i would listen to his songs today since i was about to sleep last night when he got home. thanks for letting me sleep instead (:
Although these songs were dedicated to other girls, and just people in general, it was nice. Nice that someone enjoys singing to me! haha *blushes & giggles quietly*
We’re planning a music video for spring break! D: anyone care to be in it? (:

LOL this boy walked me through the blackout til’ i fell asleep. thanks again Saging.  Hawaii was nice.

I have too many guy friends.. i mean its chill and all its just, i wish my girl friends didn't move or too busy to have a small talk or two.

Grocery

I went to the grocery today dressed in full baggy clothes, boy clothes to be exact. NOTHING was matching.
Wavy hair fresh out of the shower, no make-up what soever

I was just wondering around aimlessly and then this guy just comes up to me and compliments me.
Then, he asks me for my name and number. now of course, i didn't give anything away.
But it was just very flattering how someone can find me attractive enough in my rags without even TRYING to look good or impress anyone. Attractive enough to try and holla at yo girl at first sight

Does it bug you when someone is texting someone while they're hanging out with you?

I honestly get why certain people do.
Its rude in a sense.  Especially when a boyfriend/girlfriend keeps texting another girl/boy while their hanging out with you/talking to you.  It totally defeats the purpose of why you came out to hang out with someone in the first place.  If you wanted to talk/text to that person, why did you come out and hang out with ME?  might as well stay home or wherever by yourself and call/text them.   I didn't want you to come hang out with me so you can divert your attention to your phone.

"A busy schedule isn't an excuse to let a relationship fail. When a relationship is special, you find ways to be there."